Infinite Love with Kate
My self-healing journey, living with a facial difference and acknowledging I was drowning in my own darkness. Realizing everything I was doing in my past, wasn’t quite aligning with who I desired to be & feel, so I started changing the trajectory of my future by choosing to sit within & feel everything I was so scared to feel. I simply let go and surrendered to the process & trusted in myself & chose me!
Infinite Love with Kate
S5 Ep80 "Special: In the Hot Seat!"
Join me as I am in the hot seat, but in a beautiful way, as I sit down with Laura Flowers, as a guest on her podcast: Rediscovering You. I love it when universe aligns you with the rights souls, divine timing and with divine gifts; as I had desired to collaborate with amazing souls just days before, as I reflected with universe my desires for 2025. For the complete episode please go to her podcast (link below) to find out what she beautifully pulled out of me, insect a transcendent way.
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/rediscovering-you/id1778973386?i=1000683731891
https://facebook.com/laura.stroh.3
"Kate Gutierrez's heartfelt journey reveals the complexities of embracing one's identity amid adversity. By sharing her struggles with Crouzon syndrome, she highlights the importance of self-acceptance and the power of choosing love over societal judgments and labels. "
• Kate’s early fight for a proper diagnosis
• The emotional impact of surgeries on her identity
• Grappling with external perceptions vs. internal self-worth
• Her journey into special education and empowerment
• The significance of choosing love over fear in healing
• Reflections on sensitivity as a strength
• Insights into transforming pain into purpose
• Calls for empathy in a world of differences
Disclaimer: The episode is an edit of Laura Flowers podcast episode of Rediscovering You.
Welcome back to episode 80 of Infinite Love with Kate.
Speaker 1:So on today's special, special episode, I will be airing my guest spot on an amazing, amazing podcast called Rediscovering you with Laura Flowers.
Speaker 1:So I had the honor and privilege of guest speaking or being a guest on her podcast a couple weeks ago and, amazingly, she was able to then transfer over the files and I get to share it with you.
Speaker 1:But there's one catch I'm not going to air the whole thing because I would truly love for you to hear or listen to the entire podcast episode on her page. To you know, give her the support as well. But there's a special surprise at the end of this episode, which she had asked me a question and I shared something very, very personal, I would say, something I haven't shared with anyone, but Universe pulled it right out of me, she pulled it right out of me and I was happy to share it with her. So if that doesn't entice you to go ahead and go over to Rediscovering you podcast, I will link all of her information in my bio so you can go ahead and follow her there as well, as I will link all of her information in my bio so you can go ahead and follow her there as well, as I will post a reel where you can click on the link for the full episode. So again, thank you for listening to Infinite Love with Kate.
Speaker 2:Today I am thrilled to introduce the amazing Kate Gutierrez. She's a woman whose story is a testament to resilience, healing and self-love. Born with Crouzon syndrome, kate has endured countless facial surgeries due to early medical mistakes, each time relearning how to recognize and love herself anew. But Kate's journey doesn't just stop there. As a passionate special education teacher, she's on a mission to empower others to embrace their differences and step boldly into their own power. With her own words, kate shares With a heart full of wonder and a spirit of adventure. I'm living life to the fullest and empowering others to do the same. My journey is one of healing, self-love and exploration, and I'm just getting started. I am Kate Gutierrez, standing beautifully strong in my differences. Welcome to my baddie era. Get ready to be inspired and uplifted as we dive into Kate's incredible story of transformation, empowerment and embracing what makes us uniquely beautiful. Let's get started, kate. I am so thrilled to have you here on the show today. Welcome.
Speaker 1:Thank you. Thank you, I'm excited too.
Speaker 2:This is going to be fun, so I was hoping you wouldn't mind starting with explaining to the listeners what is Crouzon syndrome and just kind of the early days of your journey in this area.
Speaker 1:Of course, curzon syndrome is just one mutated gene which you know is just a rare, rare genetic disorder, more common now than it was before. But in 1980, it just wasn't talked about. A lot of things were talked about. They were just starting to unfold for acceptance of differences. You know, in the past people would kind of shun people away with their differences, and now people were embracing differences slowly.
Speaker 1:However, in my situation I was two years old and, being born with Cruzon's sensor. My mom had to fight for someone to diagnose me. It was a motherly instinct that she believed something was wrong. She just didn't know what that feeling was. But she went to doctor, to doctor, all throughout Chicago. Everyone said I'm fine, I'm healthy, I'm happy, and she just had this feeling something wasn't right. She did her own research, she spent hours in the library and finally a doctor two years later diagnosed me with Gruson syndrome.
Speaker 1:Now, had nobody paid attention, there could have been, you know, more damage to the situation, because what it means is the bones in my face fuse together, which doesn't allow room for growth and obviously, being only two, you have plenty of years to grow, and so the impact of that would have meant that my brain would have had no room to grow, causing severe brain damage, blindness, deafness or death, unfortunately.
Speaker 1:So she was just happy that there was a diagnosis. Now, what was to unfold afterwards, no one could foresee, unfortunately, and we were introduced to a doctor one of three in the US that were studying these breakdowns of surgeries Laforte 1, 2, and 3, which is forehead, midface, before one, two and three, which is forehead, midface, lower jaw and he wanted to perform this miraculous surgery. Let's do it all in one. So years, practice and meetings and appointments and pokes and prods. It was time for my surgery. He pulled my entire face forward, allowing this room, but it was like a hockey mask you pull, you pull, you pull and it was just too much. My little body and my entire face came crashing back, breaking every bone in my face, and he left me telling my parents that everything went smoothly after 19 hours. I had an angel that day, a woman who was able, who was invited to sit in on the surgery.
Speaker 2:It's a rare.
Speaker 1:Thing especially in the early 80s it's more of a man's world of surgeons.
Speaker 1:And she told my parents ask a lot of questions and they did, and you know, obviously my mom fought to get me diagnosed, so she was going to fight from here on out to make sure what happened, what went wrong. And sure enough, I had MRSA and bacteria growing in my face, eating away all the tiny little fragments of my bones that were left, and I was put in a sedated coma and left to die. Had she not known this, I could have died, but because of this woman.
Speaker 2:Wow, wow, what an incredible story. And it's just also so heartbreaking that not only did your mom have to fight to find a diagnosis, knowing in her gut that something wasn't right, that something was amiss, and then finally to have somebody give a diagnosis, and then having this, what was hoped to be a miraculous surgery, and to have it go so horribly wrong and have the, and on top of that, the doctor told your family that it went beautifully. It just is insult upon injury to the infinite degree.
Speaker 1:So you were. What made it worse, though, is what the doctor told my mom prior to the surgery was he was going to fix God's mistakes. What surgery was he was going to fix god's mistakes? What, yeah, so I think, alone, you know left this residual of animosity and hate which, if you knew my parents are not, they've never been built like that. They don't carry their life with those values and morals of hatred.
Speaker 1:So to have that and later on I'll talk about it is it it embedded within them, this animosity that then later kind of poured into my life in my childhood, of hating a man I didn't know, but blaming I had someone to blame for what I was going through internally, emotionally. It's just like a domino effect, you know, and with conditioned learning, it's unfortunate. It's not a blame game, but it is unfortunate that we all go through this in some way, shape or form, from our childhood whether it could be the perfect childhood or the most traumatic. It's literally just passed down by generations of what our parents, our grandparents and so on have gone through, and we just don't see it unless we decide to heal it.
Speaker 2:You're right. I'm sure that's why you're so passionate about your healing journey right now and putting your efforts and your focus into healing, so okay. So you were left to die in a coma and thank goodness you didn't die. You are here and talking with us today to share your story. How does your journey continue from there?
Speaker 1:As a child, the memory I have living in and out of a hospital, obviously because now, like I said, when he closed me up he left all that infection to eat away. So this new doctor that came in, my hero. He didn't have much to work with In 1982, the CAT scan just came out to give everyone kind of an idea of the concept of we're living in such an advanced technology world now where these surgeries, they would use what they call a halo. It's barbaric because it's this metal equipment that is screwed into your face for six to eight months and they turn the screws like a quarter of an inch or centimeters, I think it is, and that slowly pulls the bones further. But it's beneficial, it's helpful and the results are absolutely beautiful.
Speaker 1:I unrecognizable. I've seen some of these kids that have gone through it with cruise zones. You wouldn't even know they had cruise zones. It's just a whole different world. I, you know, and I feel bad because I know I talked with some parents who reached out over the years because of my platform and sharing their stories and their fears as a mother.
Speaker 1:And there's a little boy. He's eight and he just got the halo taken off and back in school and everyone's treating him like a celebrity, you know, and I remember those moments of just wanting to feel like a kid, right, and they're short-lived in what he had to go through. But mine was different. In that aspect though, because now they're working with very little, it just it's kind of like trial and error. Every surgery was like a trial and error. Let's try this and hope that this happens. Let's try this. But I was building this facade in my head of, okay, this surgery is going to fix everything. It wasn't so much I needed the outside fix, because it wasn't aligning with what I was feeling on the inside and that I was avoiding that fix.
Speaker 1:That's what needed therapy. That was what needed the love and attention, and I could only rest the concept of our outerly looking in the mirror and then having to redefine that love and understanding of myself every time. A surgery changed me. It could have been a slight of surgery, but it changed everything for me, because when we look in the mirror it's so distorted, right based upon our feelings. It's not so much about what we're seeing is our feelings a hundred hundred percent, yes, and you know.
Speaker 2:And also, I would imagine, just to elaborate on what you were saying about not really doing the inside work and focusing on the outside, I imagine that's because what all the adults around you were talking about was like how do we change this, fix this, heal this? And it's all about the appearance. And so, as a kid, and you're learning your identity, you're learning your identity, you're learning your self-worth, you're, you know, creating your, your, your own personal identity. It's hard in a situation like yours, I would wonder to, to separate the physical from the emotional.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's, you know, and my parents were pretty pretty on top of it, in the sense of in the beginning, when there was, when I was too young to have much of a say, it was more of the doctors and them going back and forth when I was about eight or nine. And slowly puberty is hitting, you know, and that's when the real emotions feel out of alignment, because before it's almost like a fantasy world, like a kid's play. You're just living life and you're enjoying it. So when I was able to go back to school, I was loving life. I didn't realize I was different looking until every once in a while I would hear a comment or see someone staring or pointing. That was when things would kind of pause me.
Speaker 1:But I was surrounded by a really beautiful community which my mom started, my mom and I, because they got so involved with my siblings and everyone in their parish that it helps, you know, because then everybody knows okay, this is Kate, she has this disability, this is her story. And then she went to my grade school and went to my classes to introduce me, to talk about it with the class, talk about the differences, and then she got involved, my Girl Scout leader, you know my basketball coach. So I never had limits, which was nice. My mom never allowed me to just say I can't, no, you can, you're not going to be fragile, I'm not going to treat you, I'm not going to put you in a bubble, but she was silently protective. So there were times where I noticed that someone would say something. She would either react, which made me feel uncomfortable, or she would ignore, which my brain was trying to process that with emotions, without knowing how to communicate that. I didn't know what I really wanted. I didn't really like when people reacted my age. But as I got older and that happened less, it was like I wanted it or I needed it. So it was. It was so weird living in this duality of like yes and no, or like angel devil, like I just didn't.
Speaker 1:I couldn't quite find my footing in life as I got progressively older, when I started understanding and processing I don't like what I'm feeling on the inside, but I ignored that. It was so much easier to ignore that because anytime I did express it, I don't think I was expressing it right or I knew how it was all emotion, it was all screaming, it was all crying. So what do you get out of that. Even when I went to therapy back then, therapists were just like, okay, let's pull out a board game. I don't want to. No, you know. And that made me mad and I don't. And I guess growing up I never liked that feeling of anger and I shoved that feeling way down. It was. It was kind of seen as like it's not OK to feel angry, it's not okay to be angry, and I really allowed myself to believe that. But in reality.
Speaker 1:It's like you're allowed to be angry. It's how you express your anger. Yes, and I shamed myself like I. I shamed myself on any feeling, because all I ever heard was you're're so strong, you're this, you're this. So I built myself to be that person. I could never keep up to that level internally and no one ever knew that.
Speaker 2:Wow. And when people are saying, okay, you're so strong, you're so strong, you're so strong, what was your internal dialogue to that, or your emotional response to hearing that over and over?
Speaker 1:In the beginning it was I'm weak, I'm weak. And then, when it was getting to the breaking point, it was like I wish I wasn't here, I wish I wasn't alive. Like it got that dark for me Because it was so hard to keep up with some kind of facade, not knowing that the facade was me, masking everything, putting these barriers and obstacles in my way. I was putting myself in that tiny little box. I was the one not taking accountability for my emotions or anything. It was me in part, not saying it's all my fault, but it's realizing that I'm the one shutting down. So how is anyone able to see I'm the one not saying. Stop saying I'm strong, I don't feel strong right now. I may be strong, you're right, but I don't feel so strong and what you're saying isn't helping me. It's hurting me, you know, and I never spoke up for myself, I never. I just kept up with that, keeping up with the Joneses. I was keeping up with the.
Speaker 2:Right, it's almost like you are more concerned about not hurting the person's feelings for saying the wrong thing, so you just swallowed it. Not hurting the person's feelings for saying the wrong thing.
Speaker 1:So you just swallowed it and that was like my little. My big heart in the little body was always afraid to hurt others because I never wanted people to feel. What I felt so bizarre now, looking back at it is it's just like wow, you know, like I love that you have a big heart for your little self. You know, talking to my inner child, but it was like it was okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I didn't speak up. It was okay to feel those things, it was okay for you to be mad at that doctor, right, you didn't hold on to that anger, for the right reasons, you know. And then I realized is what that man did was his own ego, was his own battle. I can't imagine someone who believes, like in thinking that they're God. That's a narcissism you can't fight. You know you live with your own demons. That's your journey. I can't sit here and hold on to your journey.
Speaker 2:You know and I forgave I forgave myself.
Speaker 1:I didn't have to forgive him. I forgave myself for holding on for so long. That's my darkness. So let me utilize my darkness and turn it into my light, like the only person stopping me is me. Now I have no one else to blame but myself If I'm going to continue saying what was me this is. You know, utilize your story what hurts, share it what didn't work. Share it now, change it. You know, it's like we're all human. We all have a story. Just because mine's different than yours doesn't negate the fact that mine wasn't a beautiful, hard story to go through. Share it, you know. And I always place myself on this little shelf thinking, oh, but they had it worse. I was also raised that way. It was like, remember, the grass isn't always greener. Just because you're going through this doesn't mean someone and unfortunately that was like that conditioned learning where it's like I don't need that pep talk. I need to accept that this is my story.
Speaker 2:Yes, to validate that you have your own story and that it is a powerful one, and it is a story that is worth sharing and worth talking about and worth learning from. I'm wondering if there was a turning point in your development or a certain age where you started to step into recognizing that you have a story, honoring your own emotional journey and using your voice.
Speaker 1:There were a couple of moments, so in high school, when it got to like my darkest era, a very popular girl, but I felt very alone. Everyone was dating, everyone was, you know, seeing that, I went to all girls Catholic school, you know, and I had a lot of great friends, but I was also the class clown, you know. And things started unfolding where it was like I got cut from the basketball team and that was my only identity. So I was utilizing these things as my identity, you know. And basketball, since, and that was my only identity, so I was utilizing these things as my identity, you know. And basketball, since fourth grade was my identity. It was my escapism.
Speaker 1:I was not a court, I wasn't a girl at Cruzon syndrome. I wasn't this story, I wasn't these emotions. I was talented, I was yes, I was, you know, I was this girl, I was a spitfire. This is where all the parents talked about me. You, you know, like, oh my God, I remember you in basketball in grade school. I was that version. But again, I was escaping. I was aligning myself with a whole different identity, living in this Pisces dream world of everything's perfect, everything's beautiful. I'm on cloud nine trying to manifest that, but nothing, you know, nothing aligned nothing, aligned with the emotions. So the game's over, I go home and I'm back to, and in high school it got so bad that I was at the breaking point.
Speaker 1:I did want to, you know, end my life and it was. My grandmother got really sick and my grandmother, bless, bless her soul, had 13 children, 13 second from last. So big Irish family, huge, lots of cousins, and she was the person that brought us all together, made us homemade ornaments, not little notes in there. She was coming to, you know, the end of her life. And so my mom, everyone took turns helping out and I got to do her grocery shopping and I would come over and help clean. So my grandma and I had, like this bond, this beautiful bond, and I don't know what it was, but I I was messing up a lot, you know, and she would talk me, talk me through it all, and she would talk me, talk me through it all, and she had passed away and I thought this is it. Like I can't, like I've lost a lot of people up to that point, but this was the one moment I couldn't lose and something changed. So like, something within me was like, do better. You need to do better and don't don't stop here. So that was like my one turning point is like I started investing into, like Eucharistic ministry and playing other sports and volunteering more. So then my mom became a youth minister, so we would do all these service trips around the US of natural disasters and help rebuild, take down.
Speaker 1:So it was nice to be able to give away that time, like pause our lives to do something for others. But again I kind of noticed that I was escaping, in part as I got older, because my life pauses. But that means I'm also fighting the pain. Right, it's still not helping. I'm putting a band-aid over a bullet, you know. Yeah, so I'm starting to realize and take accountability slowly, like I can't do this anymore. I have to be selfish. This is that I don't align to this. And now I'm I don't want to put put that out there like I'm. I'm this person doing all this good deeds, but really I'm not. Like I'm struggling, right, so can I do this and still struggle?
Speaker 1:So then I, at 30, I paused that and was like all right, now I'm going to take adventures, I'm going to answers outside the world. And it was amazing because at 30 it was like my life transcended in a way of like I love my 30s, I love who I am, I'm starting to love who I am, but now I'm starting to see who I really am, literally peeling back the layers. I'm like, oh my God, I've ignored the better part of me, my life for 30 years, because now I learned that I'm gay and I didn't know that about me. I'm learning that I like this, but I don't like that. I'm learning that I love traveling. I'm learning that to attach and dependent on people, so I need to see where that comes from and where does that stem from? And then, by 40, because of the pandemic that was.
Speaker 1:The ultimate change is I had my best friend at the time just talking and we were talking and talking and we were peeling back our own layers and we were like, well then, what better way to do this than to do this now, because we have nowhere else to go. Right, yeah, where I sit, sit in the darkness all over again, yep, at home and I sit, sit my mind, I sit, these dark thoughts, or I do something about it, and then that was it. The light went on. I was like, no, so I quit drinking, you know, and then I recently just quit smoking and I was just like I'm pouring back into me and I'm like, what do I love? And I'm redefining myself, redefining my journey, and now I'm actually listening to myself and I'm pulling back that inner child that I put.
Speaker 1:I put her away for so long, I, you know, and I loved her and I loved that play and I love seeing life the way she saw it magical, just loving, and it's not a facade, like I do believe that people, there is love in everyone. I know the world is chaotic, not ignoring that part, but it's like I choose love and kindness over fear, over all of this chaos. Like I, I rather see the good and hope for that, then dwell on the bad and then surround us Because change is never going to happen. I can't change the world if I can't change myself. So it's within our own selves.
Speaker 2:That's right and the power I just have to repeat what you said choosing love over fear or over negative emotions and it can change your whole outlook on life, and I think it's wonderful that at this phase in your life, you are redefining who yourself, getting in touch with your identity, your true desires, your interests, your passions, and it's a beautiful, exciting thing, and I also love that you're looking back and honoring little girl Kate and giving her some love and bringing her into your present life as well and bringing the joy and the magic and the excitement that she carried and into your day-to-day living too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, my family calls me Katie bug. It's like like even on cars they bring it back out like katie bug.
Speaker 1:I love it because I'm not embarrassed by it, like it's just, it's welcome her, you know, like yeah, she can come back in and and I'm sorry that I ever left her in the first place, you know, and it's like I feel I'm not perfect, you know, and I always make sure I say that it's like I'm not looking for perfection, I'm not looking to I'm striving for. It's like I'm not looking for perfection, I'm not looking to, I'm striving for my highest self, but I'm never striving for perfection. Because that's what took me down that dark path, was thinking I needed to find that perfect image outwardly, you know, and it's like I can't. If I can't match what's going on inside, then of course I'm going to be looking at a very distorted mirror all my life. And now that I actually look at the mirror, it's like in my mind, my visualization is I've taken off every cloth, off of every mirror and I'm able to embrace who I see it.
Speaker 1:It took a while, you know. It took a while, especially with affirmations like I am beautiful, I am strong, I am positive, I am hardworking. You know, instead of using the words of affirmations that always went towards others, I am giving. I didn't notice that, like when people say describe, use three words, describe yourself. I always reverted back to three words that described what I did for others.
Speaker 1:What you do for others, and I got called on it by a friend and they were like do you realize that I'm like, oh, triggered, you know. But you need that. It's not that we want to be triggered, but if you're not triggered you'll never know where the wound is. I'll ask for a pause. If someone triggers me, I'll ask hey, I got to step away. I'm triggered, I don't deny it, you know. And what people do after that? So if I say I'm triggered and someone you know pokes more fun at me, bye, I don't need my life anymore, because if I have to stand alone, I have to stand alone. But it doesn't mean you can't come back in my life. It just means that your journey hasn't even begun for you, because you're not willing to recognize and see what you're doing, what your projections are doing are really yours.
Speaker 1:Begin with, you know it's like me, I'm, I almost feel like now I've become a mirror for others and that's a triggering and it's. It's a weird feeling. It's comfy and I'm willing to sit there, but it is uncomfy, because moments when I was uncomfortable I would run. I, you know it was like uh-uh, I don't like that. But now now it's like okay, sit with it, let yourself be uncomfortable If they're triggered. You know it's not yours, it's not. You can be sensitive and don't ever deny it, you know and don't remove that sensitivity, even though people always poke at you for being so sensitive. But I have a sensitive soul Like I'll embrace that At least. I have feelings, you know they're mine and I won't ever change that for anybody.
Speaker 2:I won't apologize for who I am on your own self, not focus on your own emotional state or recognize where it's at, and be concerned about the experiences of others more so than yours.
Speaker 2:And now, where you are in your journey, I just see you in a place of just being so unapologetically in your story, in your power, energetically in your story, in your power speaking your truth for really the world to hear, if the world wants to listen.
Speaker 2:And what a difference and what a massive expansion that you've experienced throughout your life to be at the point that you're at right now. And I have such awe and respect for you sharing your shadow side and your struggles and you getting to where you are right now. And I think that the topic of talking about physical differences is a trick you want to talk about, because if you are somebody that has some kind of a visible disability or a visible facial difference, there's a lot of feelings about that and people are uncomfortable talking about it at times and so they just don't, and that leaves the people that are in the population of having differences feeling very isolated, feeling very alone, feeling very unseen, and I think it's incredible that you are using your story to empower and uplift and show that differences I don't even like to use the word disability, they're just differences.
Speaker 1:Well, I never loved that word. I never loved that word that defined me and it was like hey, but you are different, but it was a word that just came with such baggage, yeah, uh-huh. So like I said in the beginning is, people with differences were shunned away, they were put in a mental home, you know, and it's just like you know. And obviously, being a special ed teacher, it's like we're, we're all different. I think we probably all have a label of some kind, you know it's like my sister says I think we're all different.
Speaker 1:I think we probably all have a label of some kind. Like my sister says, I think we're all a little neuro-spicy, I'm like we are.
Speaker 2:That is amazing, so spicy.
Speaker 1:I want to keep that. The way we my sister and I banter, it's funny because we'll just bust out in songs. She's like do you think we're both ADHD? I'm like for sure. Talking, having that you know, deep conversation, is like we bust out in tune because there's a perfect song in my head that fits that lyric, you know, and I'm like, and then she'll say it back to me and then we'll just be cracking up for 45 minutes not realizing what, just like. So, neuro-spicy, you're being neuro-spicy. We're all just living in a world where we're all trying to figure out who we are. You know, in one big fishbowl, whether we're looking in or we're looking out, like everything's, everyone's perspective has shifted. Just about embracing that. And, like you said, what difference is? I would have loved people to come up to me and ask me. But there's, the conversation is is there a right?
Speaker 2:way.
Speaker 1:And there's a wrong way? Obviously there is, but I don't. I don't sit here and I don't judge people, like if they come up and do it wrong it most people don't? They just stare, and I understand human. I've seen people with differences and you find yourself staring because you want to know more. You know, that's the brain wanting to understand a process and put that all together, and then, unfortunately, though, you don't realize how long you've been doing it, how long you've been staring.
Speaker 1:So, that becomes the impact of oh my God, they're staring at me. Oh my God, you know they're judging me. You build that whole rapport in your head, but in reality it's. You know. I had to look at myself and I'm like well, I've seen. You know, I've had somebody come by who had half of their face burnt off, and I caught myself staring. But then I had to think about it. It's like, but your brain's trying to process, You're trying to wonder what that story was.
Speaker 1:You're not doing it out of ill intention, and most people aren't. It's just that we forget that there's a lot of factors in play. You know it's. Is it okay? No, but am I going to shame them for doing it? No, it's what happens afterwards. Are you making fun of me? Are you doing jabs? You know, then it becomes disrespectful. Are you just coming up to say what's your story? Most likely, I'm going expect you. You know, like there's, but I don't think everyone understands how they're projecting it. You know and now I'm trying to pick up on their storyline are projecting versus just responding and asking with empathy? I understand, okay, there's part of their journey that they lack, and I'm like, oh God, what kind of world is that, though, where you lack love, where people lacked showing you love, that you don't know how to project that kindness back out.
Speaker 2:So there you are again, just having such compassion for other people.
Speaker 1:It works for me in the sense of what I used to be, where it was silent anger I had. I'm thinking well f you, you don't know my story, you don't know anything you know like and I'm judging and I'm angry and I'm holding it in me. It took a while to figure that out, though, because I didn't know I was doing it. When I was doing it it was almost like a denial, and now it's like oh, but you were. But again your reactions are okay, it's coming from a wounded place. Let's figure out where that wound comes from. You know, and it's constantly, when I was doing the healing, like a lot of shadow work. It was like I dove deep and I was like all right time out. But your life does not have to be a constant shadow work, healing moment go live, go breathe, go sit, go hug a tree. No, and that's when I started putting the play into the scenario, so I would do the nature hikes. Yeah, I started traveling solo for the first time ever.
Speaker 1:It it was like I'm ready, I'm going to go jump in a shark cage, I'm going to go do this show, I found the things that excited me, that literally allow me to put that energy back out into the world, because that's what the world needs to feel More of that, that's true. And all this internalized anger and BS and garbage. So I sit and I listen, I may not like what people say and I walk away, trust me, like there's times where I just have to because it's. Do I have a conversation, even if I know you and I love you? Do I owe you a conversation If you can't even respect me or give me time or validate or see me?
Speaker 1:I don't need you to see me because I see myself, finally, but you do this, this and this for yourself at least. If you can't do it for me, fine, but are you doing it for yourself? And then I'll kind of evaluate that I'm like no, okay, then our journey has to stop right here yeah, and you just separate ways yeah and it's not that I'm like I'm judging you.
Speaker 1:That's just your journey. That's where you have to go and learn and do the things that you desire and hold on to that you're attached to. I'm over here doing mine. I don't think we need to just hold each other, because we need each other in our lives. I've detached from that idea, thought of I need you. The only person I need right now is me, and if I can't find me, then I'm just sinking.
Speaker 2:That's such powerful wisdom right there, and that's true for everybody. It's truly the number one person that we need. The only person that we ever truly need is ourselves, and once we realize that, that's when the magic really starts to happen in life.
Speaker 1:It does, and I think I know that people fear the isolation. It's like, oh ah, I don't want to be alone, like, but I need people to make me. I don't need people. I'm afraid to be alone with myself. Why, right, exactly myself that I'm afraid of. Is that the thoughts? Is it the lack of? Is it my? You know x, y and z inner child missing in it, but you miss that. Like I'm a, I'm a hugger, and my four coworkers, like I, go in and they're different, they're opposite of me but they're learning Like I do. I told my one coworker she does this thing where she'll just poke me. She's like she towers over me, she's like six foot and all of a sudden I'll feel a little poke.
Speaker 2:And to me I'm like.
Speaker 1:Oh, oh, I love poke. You know, in my mind I'm like it's like hug time, never mind. She's like I'm sorry, I'm like don't ever apologize. I love when you do that like I'm just letting you know that does not bother me. But thank you for a pal. You know, I'm a lover, you know. And then I'll come in like now you gotta hug me she's like oh, but it's just.
Speaker 2:I'm that person.
Speaker 1:I've always been a snuggler, I've always been a hugger. You know, I'm just, I'm that person. I've always been a snuggler, I've always been a hugger. You know, I'm just very loving and that's my love language and. But it's funny because I pick up on that energy. But there's also moments where I'm like get away, Nobody touch me. I, you know like I, I need my, my space.
Speaker 1:I mean honoring what you need? Yeah, exactly, but I I used to never verbalize that. I didn't know what that was and I was like I'm not going to shame myself, I'm a hugger, it is all the time on my watch.
Speaker 2:So one of the final questions I wanted to ask you, just because I see such immense progress that you've shared already with us on your journey, from where you started, your struggles, your shadows, where you are, your current point. What is next for Kate in your healing journey? What is your vision? What's coming next?
Speaker 1:So what is next for me? Guess you're going to have to find out. Head on over to Apple Podcasts, rediscovering you by Laura Flowers. Go to episode 15 in there. In the end, if you listen, you'll find out what are my next steps, what's next in my journey. Stay tuned. Thank you for joining me on another amazing episode of Infinite Love with Kate. And again thank you to Laura Powers. All her information will be in my bio and my transcripts, so please go look her up. She is on Apple Podcasts Rediscovering you. Laura Flowers, I'm humbled and honored and blessed to have been a part of your podcast. I had an amazing time opening up, sharing, laughing with you and also growing with you. So again, thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you to all of you out there who listen. Much love and light Peace.