Infinite Love with Kate

S5: Ep: 77 "A Letter to 2024"

• Kate • Season 5 • Episode 77

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Have you ever felt the pull to redefine your life and shed your old self, embracing the unapologetic power within? Join me on Infinite Love with Kate as I share my exhilarating journey through what I call my "baddie era." Reconnecting with my college friends in a lively group chat has been a balm for the soul, igniting laughter and healing during a time of transformation. As I navigate this emotional rollercoaster, I open up about the discomfort and strength that come with trusting the timing of my experiences and stepping boldly into a new identity.

Reflecting on the whirlwind year of 2024, my heart is filled with gratitude for the lessons learned through unexpected health challenges and personal growth. I candidly recount my journey of overcoming fears related to surgery, learning to embrace my body, and placing self-care at the forefront of my life. As I look forward to 2025, I am determined to make better choices and continue sharing my path to healing. Tune in to feel inspired by the resilience and hope that light the way forward, and receive my warmest wishes for a blessed and transformative new year.

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Speaker 1:

Welcome back to another episode of Infinite Love with Kate. So before I even begin, I have to give a crazy shout out to my college friends. We're in this group chat and this group chat could somewhat be simple on days or it could just go all over the place and the last couple days, since we haven't talked in a little while, it has been wild, to say the least. But I have to give a shout out to them because they had me laughing and we literally were talking all about life, health, our weight or our age and the weight and I don't even know. I don't want to go too much into it, but it was hilarious and it took me out of this funk and I told him that. I said thank you and I have to give him a shout out for it because I don't know about you, but the last couple of days have been weirdly rough and it's not like I go through this every year around this time.

Speaker 1:

I would have to say that there's been a lot surfacing within my life. I'm being pulled and drawn to do a very deep reflection on what I want my life to look like this year or moving forward, and I feel like it's going to be like my dark feminine era, the baddie era, I should say, because I have no fucks to give anymore. I'm at this stage in my life where you're either in it or you're not. You either support it or you don't, and I'm not sticking around to find out or wait. So I've been emotional about that too, because if you know me, you know I don't tend to pull that darkness out of me and stay in it. But I find myself in it, not for the depths of badness to be evil, but rather to stand in my worth and my light, my power. And it's an uncomfortable position because I'm very emotional, I'm very empathic, I dig deeply To a point, though, to a frickin' point, and I think that's this era, my baddie era. I am going to embrace it, and when I say I'm struggling with it, I think it's because that old version of me, the one that would let things slide, the one that would quiet and cower and not say anything, or the one that would worry about judgment of me if I said something, I don't even give a rat's ass. I want to say I don't give a fuck about what people think in regards to what I choose, whether I choose to speak up or whether I choose to walk away silently. That's where I'm at, that is what's going on in my mind and it's a different me. It's a different version of me, I should say, and I like her. But it's also very uncomfortable what I'm feeling on the inside too, because as I'm shedding these layers spiritually, I am grieving that part of me too, and this is where the emotional rollercoaster is coming in.

Speaker 1:

And I, honestly, was sitting here today. I waited and I shouldn't say I waited to the last minute, because I believe in divine timing and this was perfect timing. Normally I would not wait this long to record a podcast. It's supposed to air tomorrow. So, do the math, I will be finishing up this recording and then editing and then who knows what. But I'm trusting it and I'm going with it.

Speaker 1:

And that was my other biggest thing this past year was flow Trust in the flow, trust in life, trust in what universe is going to throw at you. And there have been a lot of reflections of can I get a little bit of a break universe. So this is my letter to myself is I thank you 2024. I truly do. I thank you forever for the lesson. I thank you for the pain and the heartache. I thank you for the strength and the glory. I thank you for the darkest moments to the lightest moments, the humor and the laughter that came and followed afterward. I thank you for the health scares. I thank you for the weight gain. I'm learning to re-love my body in a different way and it's been difficult Because, on top of the weight gain which I can embrace, it's that inner all-knowing that there's still something wrong and I still don't know what it is yet, but I'm not wishing for it. It's just a knowing that I just haven't figured that part out, nor have the doctors. So I'm trusting in the healing process. I'm trusting in the choices I'm making and I'm going to move into 2025 making better choices and I'm sticking to it. And I will talk more about 2025 next year, next episode, but technically it is next year. That sounded so different. I'll talk more about that next week in the new year, but today's episode. I really wanted to just write this letter of love and thanks to 2024. You've been difficult. You surprised me, to say the least, because I thought going into it, being 44 was my number, was my year, not that I held expectations, so I wasn't disappointed, but you took me for a turn and you took me on a wild roller coaster ride of adventure as well as strength.

Speaker 1:

So, because of my surgery that I got unexpectedly, I had to revisit some fears of mine of the hospital, some trauma of my childhood, and I had to really relive that. And what I mean by that is I used to have this fear well, I still do but this anxiety of getting put under and being intubated and they're supposed to give you fentanyl and Percocet and something else and you're not supposed to remember, basically. But they never factor in my anxiety the minute. How many times I tell them and again, this time around, I must have told several different doctors, several different nurses, the anesthesiologist, and nobody listened. Or my anxiety was just that high because I remembered everything I remembered.

Speaker 1:

That feeling of drowning To me is what I can only best describe it is. They're literally shoving a tube down your throat. There's medication in there. You can't, you feel like you're not breathing, and they struggle With me because I had the trach when I was a child. It's not easy, because all my vocal cords, everything's in different places. So, to say the least, I'm a conundrum. Of course they struggle with that and sometimes they have to call in the head of the department. But meanwhile you think you're dying because you're not breathing and you're heavily medicated and in your mind you're thinking okay, this anxiety.

Speaker 1:

I hope to God I don't remember this when I wake up. But when you wake up, what do you remember? That whole scene replaying over and over and over. So I woke up crying One because my eyes were so dry. They didn't listen to the fact that I asked for medication for my eyes, even though it was only a three-hour surgery. It's so cold and dry in the operating room that it hurt more than my actual procedure of a hysterectomy, no joke. So not only did I wake up disappointed because of that not being hurt, but then to remember and to replay it over and over.

Speaker 1:

But this time around I didn't hold on to it. This time around I remember having this conversation with God saying I trust you and I heard just trust me, you're going to be fine. And I kind of let go of it. I just let go of everything. And it wasn't. I have no fear of death. So that wasn't it. It's just. It's a weird fear of control or no control. I can't really say what it is, but it's scary and I think more so.

Speaker 1:

I made sure to kind of grab hold of my little inner child and say you're okay, you're a lot stronger than you think and you've been through more battles than this Worse and I have. And I'm not going to say myself and say, oh, but people have gone through worse. I know they have and I respect that and I hold space for that. But I'm not going to disregard what I've been through this time around. Like I said, this is my baddie bitch era. I'm going to put me in the center of it, into the center of my own universe, as should all of you. I hope to God, you put yourself in the center of your universe and the only way, the best way I can describe that is not feeling selfish or being judged as selfish is as long as you're still selfless and loving and kind to others, but still appreciating and putting yourself first. There's nothing wrong with that. Society might deem it judgmental. Be that's because we were conditioned in how to live our lives.

Speaker 1:

It is good to put service into others. That is good. There's nothing wrong with that. I do a majority of my life with teaching. I'm always in service of others. I'll always think of others, but I will no longer prioritize others first before myself. If my cup is full, then, yes, I will put my love and my light out there for others, but if my cup is depleted, I come first. Otherwise, I can't be of service to anyone anymore and I don't want to do that. I want to keep shining my light, I want to keep sharing my love, I want to keep sharing my healing journey with all of you, and I want for so much more for 2025 that I'm looking forward to it already. I'm grateful that I chose to do this episode right here, right now, because I could feel my cup filling and already overflowing. So again, to all my girlfriends, my college girlfriends you know who you are if you're listening. This is a huge shout out to you. I love you all. Happy 2024. To some of you who have already started drinking huge shout out to you. I love you all. Happy 2024. To some of you who have already started drinking Mazel Tov. To the other ones that are still on their couch checking the text threads Don't worry, when I'm done with this episode, I will jump right back in with my humor.

Speaker 1:

We were basically talking about going into the new year, eating differently, working out differently and basically acknowledging that we're no longer young, our metabolism is a little different, it's a wee bit different. And it's humorous, though, too, because it's one of those conversations that women don't want to have or we shame ourselves for having it. But it's honest, it's raw at least in my group text it is. It's very honest, very blunt, very raw, but very humorous and very supportive of each other. It really is. I mean the banter that can go on, in the humor that goes behind it. It's nothing but pure love, and I'm grateful for that group that, even though we don't get to see each other, but we did make it a goal for 2025 because, let's face it, girls, we need to kick it in the high gear and make a change, but lives, our lives, take over. You know, everything's different, but I really do see us getting together this time around and it'll be hilarious, to say the least.

Speaker 1:

So, back to 2024. Thank you, I heard I was stuck on this phrase. If they want to, they would, and I don't know where I heard it from, but someone had told me that a long time ago and I kind of just ignored it. But lately, how I told you that my emotions have been going and I've been shedding a lot of the old me and that is what's surfacing is this part of me that I hold on to so tightly and all I keep hearing is, if they wanted to, they would. And what broke me finally was I wrote down on a piece of paper, but they never did, and I asked myself so what does that mean? To me? It means it was all a big lie and going into 2025, I no longer want that around me. If life has to be filled with and if you need to convince me that white lies are okay, just keep moving. I don't care to hear it, I really don't. It's a waste of your own energy. If you have to lie about anything anymore in this state of mind, in what we're going through in life, you're wasting your energy. You're not valuing your worth or your time. You're afraid of your own darkness. It is time to heal. It's time to grow up and make healthier choices for yourself.

Speaker 1:

But it hurt when I say that I was piecing it all together. It hurt. It hurt my soul because it was a huge part of me in my path. So, again, I was grieving another layer of me the last couple days and I was sitting here and I had just purchased myself an Apple Watch to hold myself accountable for 2025. Never had one before, usually went with a Fitbit and I was like you know what? No, I'm going to treat myself. So I bought one and I was putting it all together while I was reading group texts and I'm replaying this conversation in my head, you know, because it randomly came through and I was like, okay, so I must have been in such a relaxed state of mind that self-reflection came through and then, out of nowhere, I mean I started sobbing.

Speaker 1:

And it's that sob when you grieve someone, I mean tears are already filling my eyes. It's that pain. You feel like your nerve endings are exposed. It's that hurting, that heartbreak that you feel it hurts. It's something you've loved or grown to love as a protection, out of fear. But it's time to let it go and I think that was the biggest revelation to have today. I mean today of all days, out of nowhere, to have that revelation of it's time to say goodbye. You're grateful, you have so much love, but you have to let go, because if they wanted to, they would. They just didn't because they never did so. Here's to 2024.

Speaker 1:

With all the love that I have, with all the love that I could give, I thank you for teaching me how to let go, how to move forward, how to trust in ebb and flow. I thank you for allowing me to get this far in life, never giving up. I thank you for the strength you gave me to just jump on an airplane and travel all across the world, even though I didn't feel so good, even though I didn't feel my best. But I did know what was wrong with me just yet. But I still went. I still took the leap and I'd be lying if I thought God, what if this holds me back from that being my genuine self? But it didn't. It really didn't. I made new friends along the way. I felt like royalty, like the universe just kept blessing me with these little surprises throughout the entire three weeks.

Speaker 1:

I loved that I was sick in Singapore and that I always felt like I had to be grounded. So I stayed inside and missed most of Singapore. But I think it was for my best interest, because I didn't align with Singapore. I didn't align with how people were treating people. I didn't align with how high class looked at middle and low class. It's just low. Beautiful country, absolutely beautiful, but it just doesn't connect or align with who or how they represent themselves.

Speaker 1:

And I think I'm tired of seeing that in the world too. We put this facade up, you know, we cover it up with white lines, we doll it up with filters or makeup and we pretend to be something we're not, only to find out later that your outsides don't match your insides, and that can be very deceiving, because people really love a beautiful soul. So this year has been trying. This year has been beautiful. This year I lost a coworker unexpectedly and we may not have known each other for lifetimes, but our souls were connected right from the start. So every once in a great while, especially at work, since we work together you can find us doing something that reminds us of her and you want to smile, but you also want to cry, but you just hold it in and you just talk about it with your co-workers. That's been different this year, beautifully different, but heart Told you.

Speaker 1:

I'm very emotional today, but it's okay to be emotional, it's okay to embrace everything for what it is and what it was. It's okay to let go, it's okay to move on and move forward. It's okay to believe and trust in the unknown. It's okay to feel alone in the spiritual healing. I'm already seeing the changes ahead and I'm really excited, and I'm going to meet 2025, my baddie, my baddie year, and I have no apologies to give. I won't do it. I won't.

Speaker 1:

So, dear 2024, if I could sum it up, I would simply say this I'm grateful you came, I'm grateful you stayed, I'm grateful you taught me so much within each day. I'm grateful for the good and also the bad. I'm grateful for the happiest and even the sad. I'm grateful for the days that turned into night. I'm grateful for the gift, but even the fight. I'm grateful for the sun and even the snow, but most of all, I'm grateful for this year learning to let go. So thank you, 2024, and thank all of you for a beautiful year, beautiful memories, beautiful gifts, beautiful transformations, and I look forward to seeing you all into the new year. So I want to wish each and every one of you a happy, happy new year. Love to you all, stay safe and blessed. Good night,