Infinite Love with Kate
My self-healing journey, living with a facial difference and acknowledging I was drowning in my own darkness. Realizing everything I was doing in my past, wasn’t quite aligning with who I desired to be & feel, so I started changing the trajectory of my future by choosing to sit within & feel everything I was so scared to feel. I simply let go and surrendered to the process & trusted in myself & chose me!
Infinite Love with Kate
S5 Ep 75 "The Dance of Fantasy and Reality"
Ever felt like Mercury was microwaving your life? Join me this week on Infinite Love as I humorously recount the chaotic weather swings from a heat wave to a polar plunge, and how they left me hunkered down with a cold and marathoning Law & Order. As Mercury in retrograde adds to the holiday stress, I share the ups and downs faced by my students and myself, all while holding out hope for a week of unexpected joys like secret gift exchanges and hockey games. With Mercury finally easing up, I'm asking for your positive vibes to carry us through what’s bound to be a smoother ride ahead.
This episode also navigates the soulful waters of embracing my Pisces identity, with all its emotional richness and sensitivity. Stereotypes be damned, I reflect on how perceptions have changed and the importance of setting boundaries with those who judge. From childhood daydreams to adult realities, I share the art of balancing fantasy and grounding oneself through meaningful connections. As we explore these themes, I remind you of the beauty in trusting life’s unpredictable journey, the power of rest without guilt, and how our upbringing shapes our views. Let's stay true to who we are, even when life throws its wild curveballs.
Welcome back to another episode on Infinite Love with Kate. That's right me. So before I begin, obviously I have to cut you off on this amazing weather heat wave we were having last week. Well, it's back, and by back I mean WTF. I don't even know what's going on. Obviously, there's a lot changing in the atmosphere because San Francisco just got their first tornado. Things are changing and we're to blame. That's all I'm going to say about that. Another heat wave, a Midwest heat wave is what I call it. It is like 50-something degrees today.
Speaker 1:Last week, when I was telling you there was a heat wave, we also then dove right into what we call a polar plunge and it was freezing all week Freezing. I thought it would kind of you know tread. No, it just dove right into it. It said, oh, really nice day, but I'm going to give you a really cold day, seven degrees, but it's really going to feel like zero or negative, depending on where you're at. Thanks, that was great. Here's what that did to me.
Speaker 1:Friday I got home from work and I was ready for bed. Not gonna lie, I went to dive right in. But there's something about me like sometimes I'm stubborn when it comes to if I don't feel good or anything, or if I'm really tired, I'm stubborn, because I just want eight hours of solid sleep. I don't want to go to bed early and then wake up at two in the morning, wide awake with nothing to do. Who wants that? So I waited until as long as I could, I'm pretty sure because I really wasn't feeling good, besides being tired from the week. I just wasn't. Because I really wasn't feeling good, besides being tired from the week, I just wasn't. My head, my face, the headaches, the stuffiness, it was just, it was pretty. I was a hot mess.
Speaker 1:I dove right into bed, I believe around 7.45, I was out. Well, I didn't wake up until around the same time 7.45, 8 o'clock in the morning, and I thought, wow, that's damn near 12 hours of sleep. But I never got out of bed. I went back to bed, I rolled over and I was in and out. Then I finally got up, made myself breakfast, brought breakfast back to bed and threw in a little law and order for you, because there's nothing greater than me and Mariska and I was pretty much catnapping throughout the entire day. I could not fight it, I could not keep my eyes open, I just wasn't feeling it. And finally I realized I didn't have any of my over-the-counter medicine left and I was not about to get in the car I mean, I look disgusting but I still loved me and I just had the energy to do it. But I still loved me and I just had the energy to do it. So I did grab some ibuprofen and knocked out.
Speaker 1:Finally, I believe, I went to bed around 9.45 and woke up today, same thing. I woke up about around 8.45. So I got a lot of sleep in and I thought okay, I do feel better, let's get up, you moldy little bear, and get in the shower, make breakfast and see where it takes you. And ta-da, here I am, on to the next episode of Infinite Love With you. So today's episode, after I give you the recap, is what is on my mind, and that is I'm a Pisces. That pretty much probably says it all. And that is I'm a Pisces. That pretty much probably says it all. But before I get to that, I'm grateful because today ends Mercury in retrograde, or, as I like to call it, mercury is microwaving. Because damn, damn, damn damn to the emotions and the energies all around.
Speaker 1:I did really well balancing, I did my best, I think, because I was so exhausted this week I wasn't even emotional, but I'll get back to that in a minute. The impact this had on my students, oh lord, I felt bad. There was a lot going on. Plus it's the holidays, which means they're off for two weeks, and some of them don't like that. They like to be at school with their friends, their peers. They just want to be seen, they want to be heard. And I get it. And it's hard. It's a hard thing to deal with. So there was a lot of that going on putting out fires, trying to help, assist or stop behaviors before they went any further. It was hard because it takes a team. It's not just something I could do. As gifted as I am, I cannot do it all and it literally takes a team to do this and you could tell everyone's just wiped out and it's showing.
Speaker 1:Unfortunately, we have one more week left, four days for the students, five days for staff. We've got this, at least I believe we do. I'm hoping, with Mercury saying goodbye, that we'll have a good week. I'm hoping Fingers crossed and, if you're out there, say prayer, say a couple, say a million for me, please, not just for me. Say some for my students please, but it looks like it'll be a great week because we have a surprise grab bag going on where all the staff were assigned students so we all bought some gifts for them. So they have no idea that's coming. On Tuesday, we're going to see a hockey game on Wednesday it's going to be cold but that'll be really cool for them to experience and Thursday's our big Christmas pajama day Put on a Christmas movie, make hot cocoa and just have fun.
Speaker 1:So basically, I keep telling myself we just got to get through Monday. If we can get through Monday, it's just a normal school class changing day. We've got this. Wait till next week's episode. Bye, I'm going to go into I don't know what I just said there. I really don't. This is where my mind goes. It goes into conversation, but also 10 steps ahead to the next thing I want to talk about To all my friends and family.
Speaker 1:Sorry, anyways, pisces, I'm a Pisces, true and true, but I want to talk about this. There's something I what I kind of came across a couple of videos where, like, if you're a Pisces, blah, blah, blah and they're 99% true, of course. However, as the years have gone by and I've been watching these videos or coming across and listening. They're not all that true. And I say this because, obviously, with time changing healing the journey and everything else perspectives being open to and not so closed off, it's far different. Closed off, it's far different. But I also think of it this way is I got taunted a lot for being a Pisces, over-emotional, you're too sensitive.
Speaker 1:And now, going back, because I did a deep reflection, a deep dive on this, because I've been working with my life chart lately, I've been diving deep into it, understanding it a little bit more. This kind of stuff is really hard for me to just dive into, I don't always get it and I basically need to find a guide to kind of teach me how to look at this chart. But that's a whole different story. The whole point is I was diving into, you know, peeling back the layers of being a Pisces in my childhood and in my teenage years and the amount of judgment I got, and not just saying, oh, you're a Pisces, shut up, you're crying. It wasn't just that, but it was just like you're so emotional, oh, you're too sensitive.
Speaker 1:From family, from friends, from everyone. People had no problem judging me to my face, at least. I mean, should I be grateful? Sure, however, there's reaction, there's response and of course, I had reaction because this all came from a very wounded place, always feeling like I had to defend myself, never feeling like I was heard right.
Speaker 1:So when I was going back to it, I realized something, though it's that mirrored reflection how easy is it for everyone to judge people, but yet they will never turn that finger back into themselves and judge themselves for actually being the one to instigate, to start something by provoking, by judging. Judgment comes from a very wounded person. So you want to call me out for my emotions, my sensitivity, but you don't want to call yourself out for being a bully, for being wounded, for maybe you've been picked on and it's easier to deflect that onto somebody else. And who better than a Pisces? Who better than a sensitive soul? Because I've always seen it where I benefit you when everything is good. But when I'm emotional or when I'm trying to set a boundary and I didn't set boundaries very well back then it's easier for you then to get mad and get triggered and not take the trigger back to yourself and take the trigger and project outwardly to me. So much easier.
Speaker 1:And I kind of just giggled as I thought about this. I was like, wow, this is the majority of my life, cool. But I don't blame those who judge me. They turn the finger inward, right? I didn't set boundaries and I did not walk away when I should have, and I let those feelings eat at me. I let those judgments stay with me, held on to it instead of released it, let it go. So there's the difference. And that's why I'm talking about this today is because, yes, I'm a beautiful, sensitive, creative soul.
Speaker 1:Yes, my mind might always be in the clouds, in the daydreams, but they're not daydreams. But they're not daydreams. They're literally me, peeling back layers of life and not always romanticizing about it, hostizing the unknown, the quest for answers for life, for the dualities of life. That's where my brain goes at times when I am, you know, daydreaming. I don't find myself daydreaming as much as I used to, because what I did back then, when I was a child, that was my escapism. I admit it, I own it. I was always, always in the clouds, dreaming of the what-ifs, dreaming of the could-bes, the would, would-bes, the things that could change me, that could take me out of that situation and put me in a healthier one without ever having to do the work. Put that two together. It's crazy how you're able to see things now that you couldn't see then. And I, I get it, but yeah, so when I do hear it, I giggle.
Speaker 1:Now about Pisces and the Judgment and blah, blah, blah, blah. There are some great qualities and great traits. Don't get me wrong. I love myself enough to know these traits and I love that I could see the difference and the transformations of what a Pisces overall is. And it's not just about emotions but about finding balance. It's about finding peace within. It's about regulating. It's about aligning and attracting those you align with and then removing those you do not align with. And then you're not so emotional anymore, you're stable, you're not sensitive, you're strong Something to think about.
Speaker 1:So again, I don't know a lot about horoscopes and all the astrology and who works well with who. Honestly, you could say, okay, taurus and Leo, or blah, blah, blah. That just kind of goes over my head. But I look at it like this You're a soul, I'm a soul and we all will not align, and that is okay and that is obvious.
Speaker 1:But when I look at people and connections now, it's more so. You don't have to be perfect and you don't have to be on this 100% healing journey, just enough to know that you're doing the work for yourself. You know, just enough to know that you're doing the work for yourself, you know, Do you know what I mean? That you're not afraid to communicate those things too openly. And, when you're able to do that with another soul, have an honest conversation, even if it scares you a little bit, even if you know it may trigger the other person. You're saying it with empathy, you're saying it with compassion, so you're not just ripping the rug right underneath them. Those are the connections I desire.
Speaker 1:So whether I don't label you like oh my God, you're Leo, out, get out. It's just if you're kind, if you're compassionate, if you're kind, if you're compassionate, if you're honest, if you have humility and integrity, if you love yourself, confident, but not overzealous with it, those, it's like that quiet confidence, you don't need to be heard, you don't need to be seen. Confident, you don't need to be heard, you don't need to be seen. You don't need to put on a facade for anyone. You don't change like a chameleon around different people. I've witnessed that way too much in my life and you never know the person you're really going to get. You can see them for who they are, for who they could be, for their higher selves, but you'll never really establish a beautiful foundation with a connection and connection I mean friendship, you know anything, because it's always changing and not changing in the way of growth Over time. I'm talking changing within the people that are around them, that come in and out throughout the day like a revolving door. So you're watching these personalities come out and these changes and you're wondering what am I connecting here with? Someone that's trying too hard, someone that's trying to impress you, someone that wants you to see this of them but not this of them. I get it I mean I've done it, but I'm at that age now and I'm at that stage where that's all different and that's what I love about life and if it means that I'm not going to make a million connections a day, that's fine.
Speaker 1:I was talking to someone about being an extrovert and an introvert and I was born an introvert, very close with family and friends. I grew up to become an extrovert, but it wasn't in the right way, if that makes sense. Like I didn't have that personality just whimsically come out of me. I always forced that personality. If I was really close with you, you got to see that personality. Anyone that's really close to me whether I'm able to really let my walls down will see that personality come out in me back then. So I would have these extrovert moments and I think there is a term but I can't even try to pronounce it. So, looking back, I find myself more introverted, but I love people. I live in a. I live, I work at a job that's very extroverted. I'm around people all the time and it comes natural and easy to me now, to be honest, to be open.
Speaker 1:Sometimes I'm too vocal, especially at work. I come to kind of stand in my power and my worth and my light and really advocate for our kids, because I've seen enough. I've watched them go through enough that it's sickening, it's maddening how little respect and love the higher-ups have for our kids. They say they want everything to benefit our kids, but they're not there in the trenches. So they're the ones pulling the plugs away from the programs, away from the incentives, away from the paychecks. They're the ones destroying everything for our kids, while they pat themselves on the back and do whatever it is they need to do to feed their egos. I don't know I it. It befuddles me how people can truly lose sight of who they are, of their character, for power, for money, for for fame, for attention, for anything.
Speaker 1:And I love that this journey has taken me on a humble ride so I can stay humble and stay grounded, because when I started my journey of speaking of TikTok, it wasn't to go viral. You know, in a way it is you desire that. There's the portion of you, the ego, that wants to be seen. And then, as the healing journey went on, I just wanted to share whatever I could to help whomever I could. You didn't have to have a conversation back with me and tell me that I was helping you. I just wanted to put my story out and be as honest and vocal and vulnerable as I could be and there were slip-ups and be as honest and vocal and vulnerable as I could be, and there were slip ups and there were ups and there was a lot of downs with my journey doing that and that's called growth, it's not called judgment. I'm not going to judge myself, because I'm not perfect and I can't say that enough and the way the world and society works on these apps.
Speaker 1:It can be scary, because what you wish for and I'll just reference this once only because she's kind of in the hot seat I hate even saying this word the hot tua girl. With all that's going on, the chaos that's crumbling around her, it's almost better for it to crumble for her. Do I want to see her go to jail for the mishaps? No, I hope that people see that it's not her but her team that's doing this to her. You're going to make poor decisions because you want to trust everyone, and even your closest people can't be trusted. It's unfortunate, but as you go along with this journey, you start realizing that people can change and will change for either the better or for the worse. Those decisions, universe is going to say I got you. Here's your karmic lesson you're going to have to face now and unfortunately, I think that she probably had every opportunity to change this path for herself, but her team got so lost in the millions and the money and the dollar signs that her name's attached to it. They don't have to go down for it. She does so, of course.
Speaker 1:Now you're looking back at these people that you trusted and what hurts more, I mean you could go to jail. You've discredited who you are. You've lost loved ones because they no longer care about you. They dropped you like a hot pancake. They dropped you like a hot pancake. It's life's lessons and they're always going to be there. So you got to be careful. What you wish for sure.
Speaker 1:She did that interview and she came out of a bar and she was drunk and she said that and it grabbed a lot of attention. But she had the choice of never going down that path. But it's a ride that you're willing to take. You know, and I think there was a lot of that where I'm really trusting the journey and where it's taking me. I had a friend that literally did everything by a timeline and it just stuck. It made me feel stuck in some kind of timeline, like yeah, if I do this, I'm going to do this in three years. And I always wondered then like why was I rushing the process? And I always wondered then like why was I rushing the process? Why was I rushing the journey of learning? I've learned so much and honestly I'll say this over and over this time since I began, this journey doesn't even feel like it's been that long, literally, as I'm like replaying it right now in my head. It feels very short, like yesterday, a week ago, a month ago. It's absurdity and madness. Yet it's this beautiful journey of oh my God, I did go through a lot of shit like a lot of things and a lot of lessons, and this in a long period of time. Yet it doesn't feel very long and I love that because I feel like I was present majority of the time in the moment.
Speaker 1:Now could I have been more active and proactive with doing things? Yes, I'll take accountability on that, but I listen. So this weekend I did not shame myself. I did not shame myself. I did not guilt myself and I talked about it earlier Because I'm stubborn when I'm sick or when I'm exhausted. I don't want more chaos and the only person that's creating the chaos is my head, like I'm doing that. So I allowed myself you know what You're tired sleep. I don't care if you sleep 18 hours in a day. Sleep If it allows you, if universe allows you, if your body allows you, do it. It doesn't matter if you wake up at one in the morning and you're wide awake, do it. And it wasn't Like I literally listened and I stayed asleep and it was the best thing ever because clearly I got rid of whatever I needed to get rid of for the holidays.
Speaker 1:I'm going to be off for two weeks. This Friday is our last day, so I want to utilize those two weeks. I want to have fun. There's a lot of family parties planned and there's a lot of downtime that I get to have to myself. And normally I'd be you know, on a flight somewhere, but I told myself that this year I kind of want to stay grounded. I want be you know on a flight somewhere, but I told myself that this year I kind of want to stay grounded. I want to stay close to home. I trust it. I don't know what it means, but I'm not going to dive into it, I'm not going to peel back those layers. So I'm on this family soul chat group. They're amazing we're talking about. I haven't had a lot of energy to talk either, share things, and then when things come up I will share. But basically I did share that.
Speaker 1:I'm just trusting. I'm trusting the rest. I'm trusting the quietness of it, the stillness. I'm not forcing messages to come out of me. I'm not racing to respond Because I have to pour out of me. I'm not racing to respond because I have to pour back into me, and that was another video I came across about how people exhaust themselves. They wipe themselves out because they're always dot, dot, dot, dot dot. I have to do X, y and Z. I have to do this for that person. I have to do this to fill the void. I was that person the people pleaser, the make sure everyone's happy to the point where I was nothing.
Speaker 1:And so when life changed and I started pouring back into me, I got a couple comments of you're selfish, you're a judgment, I'm not going to feel bad. And there's that difference of fuck around and find out. I'm not saying fuck around with me and find out, but I'm saying fuck around and find out, you're going to get a different version of me because this version of me is my most healthiest, perfect, nope, gonna still learn a lesson or two. Gonna get triggered, of course. Am I waiting for those triggers? No, I'm living life, I'm being present. As long as I stay true and I stay honest, then I'm still going to continue to progress in life and still become abundant because I'm putting in the effort. So yeah, I'm not really here for the games, the lies. I don't even care if you call them white lies, just don't. I'm not here for the judgments, whether it's to my face or behind my back. It's even worse if it's behind my back, but I'm not losing sleep overnight because you want to talk something, go for it, do it. It's your life. You're wasting your precious time, spending time honoring me by judging me, doesn't it sound silly?
Speaker 1:The big groups, the community group and I witnessed a share somebody had of their conversation with their child, and what I witnessed outside, looking in, was conditioning at its finest the parent conditioning the child to hate, to divide, to separate, and it broke my heart in a way that also made my eyes go big, because I've never really witnessed that Felt it for myself. I've learned a lot from life, but I've never actually witnessed that conditioning taking place in a key moment in life where you could, as a parent, teach your child to still choose love, not judgment. Now, do I know the whole story? No, do I believe that the child was speaking appropriately? Yes, I mean, this kid was beautiful. The way he spoke was amazing. You could tell he's a very educated boy.
Speaker 1:But it was the final statement from the parent to choose a racial statement, a hate statement that just my soul kind of sunk and I'm thinking I love the boy's response. He didn't even dive into it, he didn't try to acknowledge it. You could almost feel that he was like ew, gross mom. But that's going to be his life. Later he's going to probably give her the lesson I'm hoping, instead of conforming into that hate narrative. I hope for the best for this kid because if he's that talented in speaking so beautifully at such a young age, in that inquisitive, that there's hope that he could still continue to choose himself and choose to speak from his own point of view and not allow what his parents are teaching him or what his mother was spewing to him, you know, and it's our job as humans to watch ourselves, to be careful of what we choose to say Because, remember, what we were taught was also conditioned to us. That comes from a wounded person, an ego-centered person. Not everyone's going to see it, understand it or do it.
Speaker 1:I'm sure people who listen to this, even if it's only once, judge me in some way. I'm sure that I sound crazy to some people and I'm okay, it doesn't stop me and I don't hang on to that notion anymore. But I used to. I used to attach myself to everything and then my emotional bottle just kept filling until it was ready to explode. Which I talked about before is the drinking I didn't drink often, but there were those occasional times when I did drink too much that I released the demons. I released the emotional baggage I was holding on to. I released all the suppression of emotion that I felt from others, even if it wasn't mine. I just released it all. I released all the fear. I released my ego, which would be the fear of saying something when I should have said something. When I felt those things that were out of alignment, I should have said something, but I held on to it and then I would release it when I was drunk.
Speaker 1:It was a horrible web. I wove Web, I wove Leave web wove. I don't know if that sounded weird, but I'm sure it's right. If it's not, well, it's my new lingo for the day. So I guess, while being sick for a week and I also got to lay around and think about things like being a Pisces and being over-emotional and someone was telling me that during work or in retrograde they were very and I had a couple moments.
Speaker 1:It is kind of weird without a uterus that, um, I don't know when I would have got my period. So that kind of helps you. Now you kind of don't see it like. You kind of go through still some of the same motions, but I couldn't tell you. I probably should keep track, but I don't, um, but I haven't been. I I've been too wiped out to even have emotion. And I will say this, though, as a healing point in my life, when I would be too exhausted or sick, that would be a time when I'd be triggered to become very emotional and I haven't been. So I love that I can still see myself growing and healing and not ignoring emotion, not numbing or anything. I'm just not even running. I'm acknowledging and embracing, and that includes resting, sleeping, even if I don't want to sleep my weekend away, because then I have two weeks to kind of frolic and be me and do me and do all the things I love to do, including this. So I am looking forward to that break and I'm looking forward to seeing my family all together. I am not looking forward to the cold weather but fingers crossed, we can continue some of these heat waves the Midwest I was, which is funny.
Speaker 1:I was coming across old videos. I don't know who's posting them, but it's like Chicago 1982. I would have been two years old at the time and it was like the warmest day in Chicago and it was like 64 degrees out. I said excuse you, and then they showed one where it was the same date but it was 1994. So I would have been graduating 8th grade or no middle of 8th grade year and it was like the coolest day and it was like negative. Even though it was like negative, 17, I said uh, uh. But it's really cool to see those old videos of Chicago. And that was just something that randomly came to my mind. But yeah, so back to being on my life path journey.
Speaker 1:Astrology on full moon. This full moon, the cold moon, was all weekend. It actually is tonight, but it started Friday, which also did not help our student energies. Plus, it was Friday 13th. Luckily, our kids were not too bad on that day, but that Thursday before it was just pandemonium. So Mercury is microwaving. Today is the last day and I guess it's the sign of the Pisces in Virgo. I don't know. I'm giggling because I'm like well, what does that all mean per se? I'm just here for the journey, here for the ride. Figure it out when it happens. I don't know if there's any intervening. I don't know maybe, but if you have anything to share, please shoot me a message. I'd love to hear. I love learning, so anyone that has any educational insight, send it forward. But otherwise, stay blessed, stay warm, stay you. Thank you for another amazing day with infinite love with Kate. Take care.