Infinite Love with Kate
Infinite Love with Kate
S5: Ep: 70 "Special Edition!-Against All Odds"
Disclaimer...With permission, this episode is shared from Maria Aponte's podcast Against All Odds, The Less than 1%. I was blessed with the opportunity of being a guest on her beautiful, inspiring podcast. Go check out her links, listed below!
What happens when society’s judgments and the silence of a pandemic collide to reveal deep-seated truths? Kate joins us to share her powerful journey of living with Crouzon syndrome and the societal pressures that have shaped her self-worth. Through heartfelt conversations, Kate opens up about the transformative power of acknowledging and embracing all aspects of oneself, even anger, as a form of protection and validation. Together, we explore how self-compassion leads to self-love and the understanding that it’s okay not to be okay. Kate’s story is a beacon of hope for anyone navigating the path of self-discovery amidst life’s dualities.
Witnessing the growth and resilience of loved ones can be a life-altering experience. We dive into the emotional voyage of a parent watching their teenage daughter mature while dealing with personal medical challenges. The episode highlights the importance of modeling authenticity and emotional transparency for the younger generation, showing that vulnerability can be a source of strength. We reflect on overcoming the emotional and physical scars left by life-altering surgery, emphasizing the power of genuine connections and sharing one's truth for healing. This story serves as a reminder of the profound impact supportive figures can have during life's toughest times.
In the midst of adversity, Kate’s journey shines a light on the strength found through creativity, introspection, and the unwavering support of loved ones. Sharing her past traumas, including abuse and infertility, she reveals how embracing her story has empowered her to be a voice for others. Inspired by simple pleasures and morning rituals, Kate invites us to discover the empowerment that comes from putting ourselves first. Ending on a note of gratitude and love, this episode celebrates the soulful connections that emerge from sharing healing journeys, inviting listeners to experience the transformative power of vulnerability and authentic expression. Tune in and join Kate and Maria in this heartfelt exploration of self-worth, resilience, and the beauty of human connection.
To enjoy the full LIVE version go to my YOUTUBE Channel @KateGootz
Thttps://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/against-all-odds-podcast-the-less-than-1-chance-with/id1689802959?i=1000676168996
Connect with Maria
https://www.youtube.com/@mariaaponte1111/featured
https://www.instagram.com/maria.t.aponte/
Hey, hey, hey. Welcome back to Infinite Love with Kate. I have a little special for you this week. I was lucky enough to be a guest on Against All Odds podcast, the Less Than 1%, with Maria Abate, and today, today, I'm going to share this beautiful collaboration because it didn't feel like an interview. I didn't even feel like a guest. I felt like two souls that have known each other for so long and the vibe was just right. Divine timing was just right. I never felt more comfortable in a position of being a guest speaker for someone as I did with Maria. So please sit back and enjoy as you get to listen in on two souls talking about our past, our present, our dualities, our healing.
Speaker 2:Hey, hey, welcome back to Against All Odds, the Less Than 1% Chance podcast with your host, maria Aponte. I hope you are doing fantastic today. I am so excited to bring this guest on. I just chatted with her a little bit before we started recording and, yeah, I feel like when you meet somebody that is like, oh, you were like totally meant to be in my atmosphere, I felt that here with her, so let's just jump in.
Speaker 2:So Kate was born with Crouzon syndrome. It would be a genetic mutation or the role that would send her life into a downward spiral. She began chasing an identity while slowly losing her self-worth and love for herself. She began to wear many masks to avoid the feelings and then the pandemic happened and she was faced with her ultimate fear Silence. I think we were all in that kind of like oh my gosh, what are we going to do? Because we don't have anything but us now. But with that, she had choices, right? Does she take the time to listen to her inner child screaming at her, or does she find other ways to escape, avoid and run from these problems and living a life that she no longer aligned with? So, kate, welcome, I'm so excited to have you on. Give us an idea of how your Against All Odds story started.
Speaker 1:Well, first, thank you for having me. Yeah, and I love the intro and I truly reflect and feel the same way Divine timing and divine purpose of alignment, of people getting brought together, just it's so synchronized and I just feel like that's where my journey is nowadays. So that made me even bigger, because I was like see, I like it.
Speaker 2:It's for real, we both feel the same.
Speaker 1:It's living proof. And I guess where my light began as a child it was so different. Obviously I was two when I changed forever in a day and I was too young to remember. But what was instilled in me, what was conditioned into me afterwards, was what took me on a downward spiral, because it was my, I would say, angelic, inner, loving child that just saw life as just pure love and kindness.
Speaker 1:And then there was the noise, the verbal abuse of society judging me and looking at me, and that was out of my control which that kind of taught me that I had to have control in something, even though I was losing control and everything, and that for me was a fear, because that silence brought chaos in my head. You got your devil living on your shoulder and you're you want to see good in everyone, but then you're feeling all the bad of everyone and it's like but not everyone's bad, and it was just a battle and it's an internal struggle for real but it denoises your own ego.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's the craziest part, because you think it's a child talking to me it's your inner child telling you.
Speaker 1:Pull back those intuitions that I didn't really ever listen to, or walk away or build up. Those affirmations of what they're saying is not true. Don't believe it. Don't believe it until obviously it was just much later in life and you're like god. That's a lot of work you have to do. Yeah, I don't like to say fix, because they are broken pieces of us, but they're bruised pieces and that's where I'm learning that compassion is like. You're not broken, you were. You just dealt with a lot of stuff that now you get to make that healthy choice of loving even more, because now I'm in darkness and my light.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that it's. That's beautiful for many reasons, but mostly when we figure out that all of those different parts of us are there somehow or another to protect us somehow or another to love us. They all have a purpose. So that anger in us is who? The part of you that sees your worth better than any? But any other part of you because if they're angry it's usually because of some type of injustice that they that you know that you're worth more than that, and they're the ones that stand up. They're like nope, this is. I'm like sounding the alarm. This is not okay and we tend to push those feelings down and so profound when we just have empathy for those feelings and give them validation and say it's okay, I've got me for being there yeah and I think that was the biggest thing was learning it's okay to not be okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I wasn't okay. That I just didn't want my story to overshadow somebody else's grief, like it was just that I was that big but small. How I played that role is because it was like my somebody has it worse than me. Yeah, always have it worse than me. So I need the whole compassion for them. But that also deflects what I need to do with myself yeah, not knocking a man or two.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's what was conditioned to me. That was a reminder for my family and not by any means of hurting me, but it was to remind me like you are lucky and I'm like I am lucky, family, you know, I was raised in a great neighborhood that loved me and embraced me where it could have been worse and instilled those thoughts in my head. But it also pushed away the screaming pains of I, I'm broke, like I'm broke, and I feel hurt, I'm in pain, I'm only eight or I'm only sick. I'm feeling all these feelings and I don't like the way the world's treating me. How do I fix that? But it's like I gotta fix me and it's just like. But you don't know how to say that as a child. So that's where I just silently battled.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they're always reflected strength and positivity yeah, yes, and people, I feel like that's sometimes the toxic positivity, right, that we are. Oh, we have to be positive, even if we're like feeling we're dying inside. No, it's okay to acknowledge those feelings we're crumbling inside and react to it in a positive way. So I think there's difference between like, oh, the sky has got rainbows and sunshine and it's like gloomy and everything outside right. I think that you can't just cover your the sun with your hand like it just won't go away, like that. I think that we have to acknowledge that it's gloomy, but that gloominess like there's gonna be another day with sunshine and rainbows and butter, like all of that I think that's where we get.
Speaker 2:So, because I used to be the toxic positive, oh, it's okay, everything happens for a. Because I used to be the toxic positive, I don't know, it's okay, everything happens for a reason. And I wasn't acknowledging the parts of me that needed to be validated for feeling what I was feeling, that needed to feel acknowledged and loved and not judged for feeling the ways. And then, once I learned that it isn't about like, everything happens for a reason, I think that we could find purpose and meaning behind everything, and I think that's where things start to shift. If I can go through all the things that I went through and you can go through all the things that you went through and find a purpose and a meaning behind it, it's different than having a reason for it to happen. Does that make sense?
Speaker 1:I feel like I'm like having a mirrored reflection. You're just me right now and it is. It's the mind shift, but it was doing the work. Yeah, get to that mind shift and I was the same way. I'm just sitting here listening. I'm just staring at myself listening to it. This is awesome. Good job, kate. Like good as you're, as I'm so proud of you. I'm like good job, kate, like this is where you're at, like wow, four years ago it was a pandemic?
Speaker 1:could I picture this? No, I didn't know saw it's like drowning in depths of water and you slowly see the sunlight fade away, because the further you sink, the darker it gets and you lose that hope. And in all my life I held on to hope, but that was where the surgeries went wrong, which I was chasing the surgeries to fix the outer, but really it was the inner. I can't do anything to change my outer appearance, love my outer appearance. But how do I do that? First I gotta go with it and love everything about me, which means my darkness, my toxic parts of me, because they were there and you said it beautifully it's like they're there to protect you.
Speaker 1:That ego is there. It's like we can't shame our ego, our ego, our ego is what kind of for me at least, is what got me through those really, of being pulled away from your mother who takes care of you in and out of the hospital, but being pulled away into another surgery where they just kind of de-degarm you and you're just vulnerable and naked and afraid and there's nobody there, because no doctor I ever feel has that sense of compassion in the operating room.
Speaker 1:But they are, yeah, they have a job to do and they're gonna get that job done always highlight nurses and their empathy and their love and that's who I connect with, because that's who I am and it's like I've had many nurses come and see me shaking and tears just getting bigger and bigger my eyes and they'll hold my hand like my mom would be doing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they were that extended, they were like those little angels that that haven't sent, hey motherly intuition it has and I praise all nurses.
Speaker 1:I have never experienced even a nurse on a bad day. I still praise because I see right through it they're not not being seen or validated for their hard work, and they have to go home with all that and then be a mom or a wife or anything, and yeah, it's just a lot and you can feel all that intensity and then you say, like I understand why you're having a bad day.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's you over a doctor? Because my experiences with doctors is totally opposite so can you give us a little bit of background on what exactly is this syndrome and what it transpired in your childhood?
Speaker 1:so carousel syndrome is a genetic malformation of 1g, just 1g mutated, and what that means for me is the bones in my skull were fused together so there was no soft spot. So then, as I'm growing, my brain's developing, it can't expand, which was obviously become detrimental to eyesight, hearing, brain damage or death and so they have to back. Then and this is the other hard part is because what we were talking about healing and everything else is in 1980s. People don't talk about their feelings, people do all that sharing. So that plays another vital role in, like crazy how you think of it that way, where I love this generation, the younger generations, because nothing's stopping them and no, and they tell you they will, everything my nephew is in sixth grade.
Speaker 1:This is like.
Speaker 2:I feel this right now oh, yeah, right, I said my youngest daughter. She's 15 and she's still a teenager, so she has her moments. However, when I go with her to a counseling appointment or whatever, I'm just blown away. I'm how do you even know how to express this? I didn't even learn this until I was an adult.
Speaker 1:But you fear that to her, which is amazing. That's the beautiful gift of watching your growth. Your daughter sees that reflection and then becomes that. Which is what our kids need more of is more, not even just positive reflection, but growth and understanding and acknowledgement of authenticity and transparency, just truth with themselves. Like I'm not okay, okay, well, I see that, thank you for sharing. Like, oh my god, this adult just told me they're not okay and it's okay to not be okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so in order to go back, so I had the surgery it was supposed to be. Now it's like a one, two, three surgery, or it's the halo, and I'm not sure if you've ever seen young children with the halo. It's like a one, two, three surgery, or it's the halo, and I'm not sure if you've ever seen young children with the halo. It's like they put this very barbaric contraption but it pulls their face forward very slowly, meticulously, without any repercussions or damage, and it's actually. The results are amazing when I see, with technology, we didn't have that.
Speaker 1:Unfortunately, the CAT scan just came out. Have that? Unfortunately, the cat scan just came out when I was limited. But my doctor was a part of this whole new program where they teamed up with other doctors from other hospitals, which was never done before, and there was only three doctors that specialized in craniofacial syndromes, two in chicago, one in texas and I just happen to have the pick of the litter is what I call it and he wanted to promote it. So he had the news, everything. So it lied within his ego. It was more about him, not about me or anyone else. It was about him. And so we had the surgery 19 hour surgery and he pulled my face entirely forward like a hockey mask.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Pulled so hard that it just snapped back and shattered every bone in my face. So hard that it just snapped back and shattered every bone in my face. But he closed me up and told my parents everything went smoothly and left me to die, basically. So I had an angel that day with me and forever I'm grateful. I wish I had her number because I would love to find her. I've been trying to search for her. I know she lives in Michigan, but that's as far as I've gotten so far in my search.
Speaker 1:But she was a counselor, a genetic counselor. So basically, if you learn that your child has cancer or anything else, agree, like I call the grief counselor in a way, yeah, teach the parents of what to expect. She was asked to watch the surgery. So she got to sit in on the surgery, which is never, ever done before and it's a female, and so because she got to watch it, she chose her soul or her career. And she chose her soul and told my parents, ask a lot of questions and then got fired for it, obviously because there was a lawsuit, but he didn't have to do, he didn't lose his license. That's all my parents wanted was for him to lose his license but he just he went on to do whatever he did. But I held a lot of anger because my parents did. I was young.
Speaker 1:So it was like transferred to you, totally transferred, because that was too. I didn't know the man, but I was angry as I was chasing these surgeries trying to fix what he broke. But unfortunately, when he closed me up, there was staph infection. There was MRSA eating away all the bones that were left. So there wasn't much to work with and the more surgeries you have, the more scar tissue you have to deal with. It becomes one painful, but two just difficult, because now you can't really create anything from scratch. So you've got plates and everything else and it was.
Speaker 1:It was tough for my doctor who saved my life, but he did a great job and I I just finally realized I think I was 21 I was like I can't keep doing this. When I was at the lowest of my lows. I'm like these surgeries are not giving me the results I desire and people keep promising me these false promises and I'm just holding on so tightly to those thoughts and at least I've done. My body cannot take this like I don't, even even at eight. I stopped at eight and I told my parents I'm like I just want to be a kid. I missed a lot of school and I'm like I just want to be a kid. But then puberty hit and I was like I don't ever want to feel like that, never again. Puberty like allowed all these emotions to come, allowed my ego basically to just go rar and it was and everyone that dealt with me was just like I don't know what to do with you.
Speaker 1:Like I, I don't know what I can offer you. Counselors, like our school counselor, had no clue what to say to me. It was as if they were taught this. I just was blown away. I'm like how is this your job? But yet you don't. I'd like question myself like am I that different looking? Am I just?
Speaker 2:Yeah, why can't they help me if they help others? It's not fair.
Speaker 1:People who have burned or anything else. I'm like how do they get through life? Like, why am I? But I just kept attacking myself over and over. It was, yes, that just grew. And then teenage years were one of the worst years for me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I bet I could just only imagine because you think these people are here to they're supposed to help me Like, am I not that helpable? Is that so far to ask for me to just be helped and not feel the way that I'm feeling? And yeah, so I? I can definitely understand that. That's insane. I feel like it is so dangerous for people to practice medicine when they can only just think about the ego or how they'll be.
Speaker 2:Yeah that's really really hard to wrap your head around, because they made an oath to help people. They made an oath to help people and so it really it's. But at the same time, if we look back, I feel like you have to have some empathy for people that have that much trouble having or taming their own ego. What did they have to go through to have to protect themselves in that way? I've been sexually assaulted when I was 16. And I feel like obviously, that is just not something that I would want anyone to ever go through. It's horrible. You like question everything.
Speaker 2:However, now, going through my own healing journey and many hours of therapy and just self-reflection and everything, I have to have some type of empathy. I don't want to say compassion, because I don't have compassion for what he did at all, but I feel like I have to have empathy, for you had to be in a really really bad space in your life to have to do that or to be able to do that right. There has had to have been something really, really wrong or tough that you went through yourself to have to be in the spot where you could do that to somebody else. So, just yeah, I feel like I'm definitely a more involved version of myself when I think about those things, people that do wrong us, and you have to look at it like, okay, well, I could choose to continue to stay angry and live with this dis-ease in my body which creates disease. I fully, fully attest to that myself. Or I can look at the fact that I found purpose.
Speaker 2:I am a voice for people, especially for women, but for people that are in a situation of any kind of abuse. I'm a voice for people that have cancer because of this kind of abuse. I'm a voice for people that go through infertility because of this kind of abuse, and I might just have done some good with the situation that I was dealt with and it just shifts it enough to be like I'm grateful for my story because I am who I am because of my story and I'm here and I'm as strong and resilient and my story is worth it. I feel like my story is bigger than me. It's meant for others to see that they can not only face things that are tough, but get through it and come out much better on the other side, and I feel like very much aligned with you in that sense. I feel like you've healed that part of you enough so that you're like but my, I wouldn't be this awesome person that I am today if I wouldn't have gone through all the things X, y and Z.
Speaker 1:yeah, they all played a bigger role that I might not have understood then. But I have the luxury of understanding and appreciating now, even more so because I can look at my past and say, okay, probably don't want to repeat it.
Speaker 2:Don't wish it upon anybody, however, I never did, even in my darkest moments.
Speaker 1:I never wish yes on anyone or anything that people have to go through and that's where my empathetic heart comes in play is because I've always been sensitive, but I was always judged for my sensitivity. I was like, well, I'm like, I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't, because people aren't getting the fact that my life isn't one of it. I learned the big lessons. What you see, what people put out there on instagram or social media, it tells a story, but you could, if you can, feel in your soul and you connect and you're like that's not their story. Yeah, they're accepting something and it's like damn. I hope they find their real story. I hope they find their authenticity, because it's beautiful. I just wish for them to see it one day. And, yeah, what it boils down to is god, I got to this place where I don't look at the pain but I don't hear the voices anymore, even if people do say something a comment in the streets yeah see it like that anymore.
Speaker 2:It doesn't make me uncomfortable, it's like oh yeah, oh, I'm sorry that you're in a place where you know.
Speaker 1:You know, because it's like I can only imagine so many different things are going on when I work in a high school, so that that is a huge testimony of what do you do it like. The universe really wanted me to work through these problems. I grew up in a high school all girls catholic high school so it was fine for me. I was popular but never felt popular. That was where I was like I could have everyone in my corner, but I felt the most alone because I put myself in this tiny little box and I shut myself away because I didn't want the darkest parts of me out, because I feared the darkest parts of me. One of those loss of translations. I was translation of my journey. I just slowly found myself in different moments and that was like a blessing of what the pandemic did for me.
Speaker 1:It was like oh, are you done being the victim of your story, or you want to be the hero?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so this might be a loaded question, but how did you decide to listen to the inner child during the pandemic and what did that kind of look like?
Speaker 1:Not so loaded. Well, I will share this. When I was in my teens and what I felt during the pandemic was exactly what I felt I was 16, and it was the lowest of lows and that was that silence, and that was that inner wounded self saying you don't belong here anymore. And it was unfortunate but I got to that place and it had my friend not called me at the right time, at the right moment.
Speaker 1:And then I not just heard as I was screaming, crying into a pillow and no one could hear me, and I heard that your life serves a greater purpose and I kept hearing that over and over in my head. I was like, okay, somebody is talking to me, but that's not me saying it, I just don't. At the time I was like I don't connect, but okay, I'm going to hold on to that. It was like that inner child was always there to help me have hope.
Speaker 1:And so later on, pandemic fast forward, it was the same thing and it was just I'm alone, I live in my own home and I'm a hunter. I'm just. I'm that person and I could feel all of the residualness of me, of my past, coming up, just boiling, boiling and boiling, and I just felt that same feeling of that darkness and the silence, okay, and that's what I just knew. I was like, well, I know I'm not in a place where I don't want to end my life, but this could be the breaking point of like, do you want to stand at this cliff and jump, or do you want to stand at this cliff and soar?
Speaker 1:and I just soar and I was like I'm just gonna have to do what I never did before and just set myself free and just feel and understand and journal and write and be creative. And I had a best friend at the time that kind of helped guide me through that too, and she was the one that I'm forever grateful for. That kind of pushed me towards a creative outlet of share your story on TikTok, share what you're going through. And I was like I'm very extrovert, outgoing but creative know about. But then I did. I waited, I held off for months as I was doing the work and getting outside, working out, doing the things that I really enjoy on my own.
Speaker 1:And then one day I was like I was redoing this office. I didn't know why yet I was just redoing this office, which had a greater purpose it would be my podcast office. But I just heard this inner part of me like you're ready, go get the camera, go get your phone, go set it up. You're ready to do your first tiktok. And then I did and then I was like, okay, so tiktok was my time capsule of sharing, because you could or at least for me, I could see the ups and downs of what I was going through. I could also see that ego of me portraying what's really not authentic, I guess I would say, because it was like damn. I just didn't know how to verbalize what it was I was experiencing just yet. Yeah, trying to be something, for people to say, hey, this is me, though I'm still gonna put it out there. This is me, this is what healing looks like. It's not fun, it's yeah, it's not fun. Yeah, it's not unicorns and bunny rabbits, that's for sure definitely not.
Speaker 2:It's digging into a lot of dark thoughts and all of that. Yeah, I can, oh my gosh, totally align with all of that.
Speaker 1:So give me kind of an idea of how you would describe yourself as a child, as a teenager and now as an adult a child, I would say I found joy in everything I all majority of my pictures, even in hospital beds, are me smiling or me sharing my toys with. I remember a lot of patients who were left alone, who didn't have that luxury of appearance, staying overnight like I did, and so I would have my mom go hold the baby that was in the corner crying, or bring over my stuffed animal to that person. But that was me. I always played doctor, played nurse, always pretending to take care of everyone. It was just simply how who I was.
Speaker 1:When I was a snuggler, I was quiet. I was more shy, definitely as a kid. As a teenager, I was rambunctious, I was rebelling. I felt like I had it all, all the friends I. I created the teen mascot for our school. So I was that girl. But it was for all the wrong attention reason. It was just I was lost. I was a deeply lost soul in high school. No, you were like is that what you said? Yeah, no, it is. I'm an introvert and extrovert. I love my peace, I love my space, I set my boundaries and but I love entertaining like I love bringing out my energy because my energy is high.
Speaker 1:Yeah, my co-workers are like oh god, and I I shared this with another person is I have a brand new co-worker. She was up internally first semester. She came second semester. She's so quiet but she's so calm and peaceful, totally opposite of me and I'm like the girl that has fairy wings hanging in her classroom when I put them up as my room as well. I'm a special ed teacher, so like I just frolic around and I'm pulling off like a Jim Carrey moment and he's like cheer up, I love it. So it just depends. But I put everything out there. I won't hold back tears about being sensitive. I won't run from anything anymore. I acknowledge it and I won't apologize. And that's probably the biggest thing I stopped doing is saying I'm sorry. Like what am I sorry for? I'm sorry to everything. I'm sorry I'm crying or I'm sorry I'm doing this or I'm sorry I feel this way.
Speaker 2:No, no no, no, no no.
Speaker 1:You take accountability when you need to yeah absolutely when I do wrong or when I misjudge, it's like I'm not perfect and I definitely feel that to everyone. It's like I'm being perfect. I'm not Like I'm happy and I'm positive because my mind is shifting and I enjoy the joy of life now because it's sort of a purpose. But in order to get to see those purposes, it's not like you can just fake it. I can't fake it until I make it. I'm going to be the worst actress ever because I can't fake it. I can't.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I definitely attest to that. Yeah, I, yeah, I definitely test to that. Um, yeah it, I. I feel you, though, like I'm an extrovert all through and through. However, as I've gotten older, I feel like I have really enjoyed home and just my quiet time, and it just re-energizes me, and then I'm back again exactly. Yeah, I mean, it's a. It's very funny, because I've always just considered myself an extrovert.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I've always been like I've always been described that way, and I think the past year too is. But I love my nature, I love my walks, I love hugging my children, I love being away from everyone sometimes, but I'm always around people when I'm at work, you know, and I'm like I love that silence. I love yeah, I don't need people.
Speaker 1:Another huge healing process was attachment, yeah, everything, because I was afraid that I was going to always be left alone and I had to figure that all out like where I feel alone, but that was every time I got pulled away from a surgery it was like where's the people that love me, that could be there to tell them? No or my voice was just smaller and smaller and quieter and quieter. So I don't need that. I don't need validation, because I validate myself. It's just the weirdest stuff that comes up. Everyone's well like, okay all right. Sometimes I do miss people. They're like I need to be out among people yeah, I agreed, agreed.
Speaker 2:So what do you feel were your biggest limiting beliefs and roadblocks to overcome everything that to where you are today?
Speaker 1:now, self-worth, self-worth and self-love.
Speaker 2:I didn't know you could literally love other people and pour into them, but still not love yourself it's so hard and I have to even I have to even like question that a bit, because do you truly, then, love them if you don't know how to love yourself?
Speaker 1:yeah, I know, and I thought that too for the longest time. But I still say yes, because it could have been strangers, but I still loved being there for them for whatever I could do. But it depletes a lot, yeah, the love that you're holding on to, that you don't realize it's like okay. So I know that there was self-love and self-worth, because obviously I can acknowledge it, define it. So it was there within me. My inner child probably held on to it, but I it was easier to give it away, yeah was to pour back into myself yeah, absolutely so.
Speaker 2:Then what daily like habits and rituals like help you continue to keep that mindset of like?
Speaker 1:me. The biggest one was affirmations. I wrote a dry erase record so I wrote all over my bathroom window but I didn't write it right away because everyone always has to say your affirmation. So I'd say it but I was like I don't align to this. I can't do things I don't align to, and that was another huge lesson. Stop forcing things. Stop forcing things to happen. Stop forcing paths to take place or friendships to take place. Let everything go and let it just be. Don't count on everything. You don't have to have control. So I just trusted. When I was ready, I would say him or I would hear him in the car he'd listen to podcasts or youtube like affirmations of meditation.
Speaker 1:I did a lot of meditation first and just the sound bowls or frequencies. That was more my thing in the beginning because I didn't have to force myself to hear things I didn't connect with. As time progressed, then it was writing words. I'm like I am a warrior, but I'm like I wrote these down on the mirror and it was one or two at a time, but then you see me smiling like that's. The craziest part is I watched myself smiling back in the mirror as I'm writing this. I'm like, wow, I really I feel this I have in my 40 for 40 plus years. I've never been able to do that. Now it's the hardest.
Speaker 1:Lesson is when I have a friend who's a medium and she had asked me a question one day. She's like write three words that describe you. And I did it's easy, right, like piece of cake. She goes why did you pick three words that describe what you do for others? And I I just felt like shit. I was like, oh my God, so you're right, I don't see you writing you're beautiful. Or I don't see you writing you're powerful, like things that describe you. You described outgoing, giving, nurturing, everything that you do for others. Yeah, I was like, well, damn, so that's where I had to sit with that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that was what took so long was like I just really had to fester and I had to sit in the uncomfy, as I call it, yeah, and I didn't know how long it was gonna take, but I wasn't gonna force myself out of the uncomfortable, I was just gonna sit there with it. If it was hours, minutes, days, weeks, I was like you're doing it, you're gonna wake up, and you might wake up crying, still uncomfortable because you're frustrated, because you want this part of you to acknowledge whatever it was there, where they come from. Like no, you're just gonna sit with that. You're not running from anything anymore, you're just sitting still.
Speaker 1:Then, all of a sudden, my mirror was covered with words and I left it up for a good, I think, six to nine months. Nine months, and then I don't need these up anymore. I already know. I already know these words. But so in the morning I wake up and I tell Alexa like all right, tell me how the weather is, like, tell me my Bible verse for the day or something. Tell me a positive affirmation that I'll like to, and then I'll listen to it.
Speaker 1:I'm like all right, that's fine.
Speaker 2:I'm. I love that. I love that so much. Yeah, I, I can attest to that. And there's just sometimes, when you have to, I have this app called think up and you can record your affirmations so you listen to yourself tell you these things.
Speaker 2:And so I usually I listened to what I call what is called a daily fire every morning by Brendan Burchard. He's like a high performance coach, guru, awesome, and so I have his app and I listened to his like daily fire and it's some type of thing that's going to be great in between my ears, and so I listened to that. And then, as I'm brushing my teeth and looking at myself in the mirror, I'm listening to my own affirmations said by myself, and I also have, like my vision story in there, so the things that I want to see for my future and and who I want to be, and all of that. And then from there, like so I have these like rituals in the morning that very much align. I meditate in the morning and I go out for a walk, and those are things that I align with that. Just center myself and put my oxygen mask on first, and then I'm good for the world. I wake up before everybody else so do I.
Speaker 1:I've never become such a morning person as I am.
Speaker 2:I guess I had to wake up early for teaching.
Speaker 1:But now I'm like weekends, I'm like, okay, 4 am is just a little crazy. But yeah, if I've been sitting in my office and I'm watching the sunrise and I have all my bird feeders, now I become that woman.
Speaker 2:I am a bird lady, I have. I'm obsessed with cardinals, it reminds me of my dad.
Speaker 1:I strongly feel. It's like, oh, I have a visitor. And then the other day I asked universe. I'm like, all right, I don't know what I was thinking about. I was thinking about something about my past, like the past year, or something, a reflection of what I've asked, you know, right down to my journal. I'm like, all right, universe, I could use a yellow bird, very uncommon over here. So I was like I could use a yellow bird. Never happened.
Speaker 1:A yellow bird came right up to my bird feeder and I kept reflecting back to what it was I was going through. I was like, okay, I know it's a powerful sign, but it's confirmation. So then I go to my car the next day. I get into my car and I just you know how you feel, something flying at you. So I look at the window and the yellow bird landed on my window. It just like looked into my car. I'm like, my god, I'm like I'm really on the right path here. Okay, I love that so much. I love that so much. Oh, my god, you hug the tree right now because of all the cicadas.
Speaker 2:So I'm in florida so I'm not there yet, but yes, I definitely like it's. I go for my outside walk in the mornings and it's like it's my happy place now. I love it so much. So let us know what your podcast name is.
Speaker 1:Infinite Love, and then it's kind of like Slash by Kate, just because I think there's a couple other ones out there.
Speaker 2:I am so freaking honored to have met you and to have had you on my podcast it is. You have definitely been through some really like against all odds moments, and so I commend you for all the work. I love, like all that inner work, man. It's not easy, so I definitely it's so worth it.
Speaker 1:You know what the easier is. You are worth it. You are worth it. Don't be afraid of it, because once you're done with that work, you come out just even greater, even stronger, even more powerful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely ah, you are awesome. Oh my gosh, kate. Thank you so much. I so appreciate it, you guys, if just tell me what you got out of today, because this is so good. Thanks again, kate. I hope you all have a wonderful rest of your day. Thanks for listening. Peace out, love your life. Bye. Well, there you have it.
Speaker 1:Like I said, the dualities, the connection, just the soulful bond, just of our healing journeys, and you can tell that for two people that never met each other, the natural, natural connection and understanding and empathy and compassion and love, and that drive for healing, for self-worth, for self-love, two people on two separate journeys coming together and sharing. What better way of connecting with another soul than this? So my love and gratitude goes out to Maria Again. I hope you all. I know you've listened to it on my podcast, but please go to my YouTube station, kate Gutz, or check out my information in my bio. I'll have all the links for Maria's pages for social media platforms. But again, we are both live during this interaction. So if you go to my YouTube channel, you'll definitely see us face to face, connecting, talking, sharing. Anyways, much love and light to Maria, to all of you, Thank you, thank you. Thank you for spending another episode with me on Infinite Love. Have a great one.