Infinite Love with Kate
Infinite Love with Kate
S4: Ep: 62 This Isn't My Body
What if your body started sending distress signals, but no one seemed to listen? Join me on this deeply personal episode of Infinite Love with Kate, where I unravel my story of quitting smoking only to face unexpected health hurdles and gain profound self-awareness. My journey led me through indifferent medical appointments, confusion over weight gain, and finally, to an empowering diagnosis of uterine fibroids by an exceptional gynecologist. This episode underscores the significance of self-advocacy and the unyielding power of listening to our bodies.
Navigating the emotional labyrinth of needing a hysterectomy was both shocking and transformative. I share the raw moments of vulnerability, from struggling to connect with my best friend over the phone to finding solace in the strength and resilience of women who endure pregnancy. Serendipitously, my medical appointments aligned with time off from work, allowing me the space to focus on recovery. This heartfelt episode is a tribute to the importance of self-care, the power of perseverance, and the unwavering support of friends. Join me as I encourage you to advocate for your health and prioritize the well-being you deserve.
Hey, it's Kate. Welcome back to another episode of Infinite Love. Today I want to be very upfront and vulnerable with you, as I haven't really been myself since I've been back from my trip. Actually, I haven't been myself for weeks prior to the trip. I'm not sure if you remember, but way back I was talking about how I felt very detached and unaligned to my body and very alienated.
Speaker 1:Prior to the trip I went to the doctors. Well, let's go further back. So a few months ago I quit smoking and obviously I knew I was putting on the weight, which was fine. I knew that I needed that cushion until I got to a certain point where I was uncomfortable with the weight gain. So then I began running and I was ready to run and then I got injured right away. So this brought me to the doctors to check on my foot, which I thought I fractured my foot.
Speaker 1:Don't ask me how I would have done it, but I'm not the kind of girl that just simply does something. No, I have to go hard, go extreme. Even for my age, I forget that I have to be more aware and more vigil about my body. But anyways, I truly believe everything happens for a reason, for a divine purpose and sometimes for a divine intervention, if I'm choosing to ignore the signs. And here is how it all kind of laid out for me. So I went to the doctor and I had to get on the scale and the scale, unfortunately, was wrong, but it was a huge red flag, as I was just in the office, maybe under two months prior to that, and I weighed about 107 pounds, my average, my norm. But the scale said I weighed 157 pounds and I immediately thought, okay, I know, I put on weight, but isn't that a red flag? But the nurses, everyone seemed to not mind it and I voiced my concern and said aren't you a little concerned? I was just here under two months ago and I put 47 pounds on and you're not worried about that, you know, you know, come on. And so she was ready to simply go on her way. But I must have had this expression in my face of there's something not right here, you know, and it's not vanity, I'm not worried about it, but that is extreme weight gain in under two months, even for me. So she put me on a different scale and, lo and behold, the scale was off 20 pounds. So, yes, I did still put on weight. I was at 137. Okay, that's fine, but that's still a lot of weight to put on in under two months, even for someone who quit smoking after 31 years of smoking.
Speaker 1:I know I'm a champion eater, but I also am very active, always moving. Even if I'm not running, I'm walking, I'm speed walking. I'm a teacher, I'm always on my feet, I'm very active. So I raised concern with the doctor, you know, and told them like, what about my cortisol? You know my age? Is it early menopause? I don't know, but these are the questions they should have been bringing up, not me.
Speaker 1:But again, you have to be an advocate for yourself, because if you're not going to be, no one else will. And it still, to this day, shocks me that doctors seem to ignore this. They always seem to have the answer, but it's not always the right one. I don't. I just don't understand that process. Maybe I never will, but something does have to change within that field, within the ego's mind of you're not always right, even if you're a doctor. But you are in charge of your own body and you have to be the voice and the reason and the advocacy for yourself, otherwise no one else will be.
Speaker 1:So while I was sitting there raising concern, the doctor had asked me if I wanted to get blood work done, you know, because I had brought up my cortisol levels and thought maybe that was it and I had to wait an hour for the phlebotomist. So I sat there patiently. I could have gone home, but I was like you know what, if I go home I probably won't come back. So in the meantime I decided to do a Google search for a new gynecologist, because I hadn't had one in years prior to the pandemic, because the one I had was always called into surgery delivering babies. So I was always kind of stuck in the office waiting for hours and then having to be told to go home and reschedule, and after a while that becomes just, if you know, you know you lose the patience for it. So shame on me for not going in years. But I thought, well, now is the time, I have no excuses, I am concerned.
Speaker 1:So I found an amazing doctor, not even a few miles away, perfect. I got in right away, perfect. And then I went. I went before my vacation and she was amazing. And she was like okay, I do see the concern and, yes, you did put on weight and let's get you an ultrasound, let's get you set up for a mammogram, let's get you set up for everything Blood work. And the amazing thing about it was this facility everything was in the same building. So I thought, awesome, let's do it. So I scheduled all my appointments for the week prior to me leaving on my trip, hoping to find answers, hoping to understand the weight gain, hoping to understand why I was so unattached, unaligned to my body, why my body felt so foreign to me. And lo and behold, I found out. So I put on the weight more.
Speaker 1:So. Not because I quit smoking, I mean, yes, that plays a little bit of a factor, but I ended up having uterine fibroids, four of them, and not just any typical uterine fibroids, nope, they had to be the grand finales of them all, because I've had them in the past. Nothing out of the norm. However, this time around it was abnormal because my uterus was 20 times the size it was supposed to be, which meant that I basically was, or felt like I was, 24 weeks pregnant. And that made sense to me because I was uncomfortable in my skin. I was having a hard time breathing, constantly wanting to sleep. The best way to describe it is uncomfortable. I've never had kids but I can only imagine, as I've talked to all my friends and shared the details of this. They basically said, yeah, that's exactly what it's like to be pregnant. And I kind of giggled to myself because I figured, at my age you know, I'm not going to have my own kids, universe I'd always said I would love to know what it was like feeling pregnant. Well, universe gave me the wish before my surgery. So I giggled, but yes, it's funny. But yes, it's not funny. When I went to the specialist to discuss surgery, he basically said he would do a full hysterectomy because this is not going anywhere. They're growing exponentially. So that is where we're at right now. I am scheduled for a hysterectomy in a month and basically we'll be taking a whole month off of work, which is different for me because it's not something.
Speaker 1:I'm the teacher that has 80-something sick days, you know, saved up over 14 years of teaching. I don't often take off, obviously, for health or for vacations, but otherwise I just save my days. And there's a reason, you know. And I could put this off until one of my holiday breaks. But, as my best friend said, you are so uncomfortable. You've been uncomfortable for a while. This isn't getting any better, it's only getting worse. And she's right, because everything is pushing on all my organs, including my breathing, and all I want to do is sleep. And I thought for sure because of my trip, the jet lag and then being diagnosed with COVID right when I got back, that this was the biggest reason. But weeks later, no longer have COVID, I just can't breathe and I'm uncomfortable because my organs are all pushed up further and further up, sitting on my lungs. Everything is uncomfortable, I'm uncomfortable, but it was a shock.
Speaker 1:It was hard to hear, even though I understood exactly why I have to have the hysterectomy. I understand why this has to happen and I know that I will feel a thousand times better. I will feel more in tune with my body, I will feel more aligned and I will no longer feel foreign, like there's a foreign object in my body, which I was right all from the beginning. I was that in tune with my body. I just needed to listen to it a little bit more intuitively as well as act upon it, and I'm grateful that I did and I'm grateful that Universe got me to listen. But again, it was still a shock to hear and I think it was more so my response because, after I spoke with my specialist, I got in my car, I called my best friend and I basically just had this moment with her, you know, and it was weird because our phones my phone wasn't connecting to my car, which then was hanging up on her, and then I was trying to call her back and she was hanging up on me because I think she was trying to call me back.
Speaker 1:So I was getting frustrated because I was literally feeling like I was going to have a very vulnerable moment. I was going to break down and I just needed to talk to her. So, luckily, our phones finally connected and I you know she's cracking a joke like, are you butt dialing me? And I basically my voice cracked and I was like, can I just be vulnerable with you? And, as I said that, I mean I just started wailing and crying and sharing my whole experience with her.
Speaker 1:And she, she listened, she heard me without me even having to say much, and she was, you know, apologetic, and she didn't have to be. But she knew exactly what I was feeling, what I was trying to process, what I was feeling in regards to the fact that, yes, I don't get the opportunity to have my own kids, and she understood to a point. As she said, she was like I can't understand exactly what it is you feel, but I understand that that can't feel good, in a way, of not being able to have children. You know, when you lose a part of your body, it's still your body, and I, honestly, wasn't even taking it to that level just yet, like I was still trying to process what the specialist was saying to me, because I had asked a million questions and he spoke a million words a minute. So there was a lot to take in.
Speaker 1:And on top of it, though, there was this adrenaline of finally there's an answer to all of this, an explanation as to what it is I'm really feeling, as well as this like dumbfound moment of I knew I was carrying something foreign within me. I knew I wasn't exaggerating when I felt like I was pregnant, without ever knowing what that really feels like. It was so surreal what I was experiencing during these last couple weeks. So I'm expressing all this to her, you know, and I'm sobbing in between every word, and it is also 100 degrees outside, so I'm sitting in this car, forgetting to turn it on and I'm melting, you know which. Then I'm allowed to crack some jokes with her.
Speaker 1:I'm sweating and panting, but I did want to express to her my gratitude because there was a moment during all of that that I was grateful because my best friend at the time, she was the first one to have a baby. Out of everyone, out of my sister, out of my brother, out of all our friends, she was the first one. So because she was the first one, it was exciting. You know, obviously, being best friends, you always spend all your time with her. But she also knew that I, years prior, was thinking about wanting children and if I got to a certain age that I would do in vitro, and I'll talk about that another time, but anyways. So she was pregnant and she was very open and she understood that.
Speaker 1:I just adored this whole process. I found it amazing. I've always wanted to have kids since I was 19 years old and most teenagers don't want that right away, or that's just not the age where you're hoping to get pregnant. So I just love children and I've loved and found the whole pregnancy just inspiring and a miracle. So she's pregnant and I got to talk to her belly. That's just how close we are, that she let me be that vulnerable and that vocal and that weird. I was that weirdo friend that was laying on her belly or always feeling it, but she also allowed me to go to her ultrasound. So I got to experience that because I think the part of it that I was lucky with is she married my best friend as well. I grew up with her husband during my high school years, so I met her during my college years and I introduced them during our college years, so I had that bond with both of them.
Speaker 1:So, obviously, fast forward to her pregnancy and me being allowed to come with her in the ultrasound most would think that's weird, but they didn't. They embraced me like family and because of that special bond I was given that special moment and I shared that with her, you know, and I unfortunately made her cry too as I was sharing this. But I wasn't as sad because I was allowed that opportunity. She blessed me with such an opportunity that I felt almost as if I was a part of that miracle, of that magical wonder, and I'm forever grateful, you know, and that universe blesses me with this awkward feeling of feeling pregnant, even though I'm not, and I'm okay with never now being pregnant because it's so hard on the body, and I'm okay with never now being pregnant because it's so hard on the body. So, bless you women out there who have had so many children, even one. You're amazing. You women, are miracles in your own selves. You are warriors, goddesses, queens. To endure all of that for nine months, as I'm only going on a couple months and I'm very uncomfortable.
Speaker 1:So this is where I'm at. I'm grateful, I'm blessed, I'm lucky for my health. Is it perfect right now? No, but do I have the answers? Yes. Am I a little nervous about the surgery? Sure, like any other surgery, you just don't want surgery, you know. But do I feel like I'm on the right path, going in the right direction and focus on the right things, which is my health? Yes, so I'll share as I go, you know, through this experience.
Speaker 1:But for now everything is kind of aligned, because he offered me the first appointment, which was September 3rd, and I was like okay, well, that just means September, I am out for the month of work and we go back to work next week, which is crazy, I know, but we are one of those schools that goes back to work early but gets out early.
Speaker 1:But it also aligns with this podcast, because the month of September is my month that I have off. So what a blessing of alignment that I don't have to worry about much while I'm resting and recovering and rehabilitating my body to getting it to where it's supposed to be. So thank you for enduring this journey with me, as I vulnerably share maybe too much of what's been going on with my body, and I'm grateful that I have the answers that I maybe not so much desired, but I have the answers that I need to get me to where I'm supposed to go in my journey. So again, thank you for joining me on another amazing yet very detailed episode of Infinite Love with Kate. Until next time, make sure that you are listening to your body and staying in tune with it. Be an advocate for yourself and take care of yourself. Until then, have an amazing day.