Infinite Love with Kate
Infinite Love with Kate
ES4: Ep: 61 Embracing Vulnerability: A Journey Through Jet Lag, COVID, and Healing
Returning from a dream vacation in Southeast Asia, I was blindsided by an unexpected jet lag that turned out to be something much more serious: a COVID-19 diagnosis. The physical toll of the virus, combined with deep-seated emotions of loss and grief, created a perfect storm of vulnerability and introspection. Encouraged by my best friend, I leaned into these emotions, recognizing the importance of feeling deeply and trusting the healing journey.
As I battled severe symptoms and adjusted to the irony of managing COVID-19 with home remedies, I found solace in vulnerability and authenticity. From the discomfort of a raspy voice to the emotional weight of old wounds, this period of forced rest became a transformative experience. It was a time to reflect on the universe's subtle guidance towards new beginnings, and to embrace the power of expressing raw, unfiltered emotions.
Throughout this episode, we explore the significance of journaling, communication, and creativity in processing emotions and fostering self-discovery. We delve into concepts of free will, self-love, and accountability, highlighting the impact of human connection and kindness on our outlook. As I share a touching moment from this challenging week, you’ll be inspired to reflect on your own life journey. Thank you for tuning in to Infinite Love, where we continue to explore the depths of the human experience.
Hey, it's Kate. Back at it again for another episode of Infinite Love. If you've been following me the past couple weeks, I took the show on the road for a three-week vacation in Southeast Asia and, yes, I'm finally home and today I'm on the struggle bus. I'm not gonna lie. At first I thought it was simply jet lag, because I was pretty much off an entire day and I tried to, you know, overcompensate that Stay up throughout the entire night, 24 hours, to stay awake as long as I could, to go to bed early, and it backfired. So then I just gave up on forcing it. It just went with the flow, except for I started feeling sick, which is obvious, you know, compromising your immune system with lack of sleep. But I got a sore throat and I don't often get those to the point where I couldn't swallow very well and I thought, wow, I haven't had strep throat since I was a kid. But why not just go to the doctor? Because you could try all your home remedies and they helped. But it wasn't going away and it was actually making it worse. So I went to the doctor, thinking I could get an antibiotic and be done with it. And no, I don't have strep throat, but I do have COVID and I said well, that explains the sleeping. I thought it was simply jet lag, but I guess after a week jet lag should be gone and I was enjoying COVID, which is fine. Again, I'm not mad. I should have expected it because of all the traveling, a lot of coughing on the planes, and there's only so much you can do, at least for me. So I beat Bali, bali, I never got a fever, so I was lucky on this trip. Minus the whole spicy food, that was the only outbreak I had to experience. So the lack of sleep, again, not going to complain. I mean, I made these choices. Sleep again, not going to complain. I mean, I made these choices, I had wonderful memories because of it.
Speaker 1:But here I am exhausted, sleeping during the day of all night, which is totally opposite of my general flow. And luckily I'm on summer break and I don't have to worry too much yet about I don't have to worry too much about sleep and waking up too early. I have two more weeks I believe a little over two more weeks left before I go back to work, which is great, plenty of time. But I'm sitting here and I'm texting my best friend. She just got back from her trip visiting her son. My nephew and we both were just talking about sleep and I was just checking in with her seeing how her nap went, because she had a very, very late flight and I was up all night and my alarm went off and I got up and I actually had the energy to get out of bed and I tried to take a nap very early and I couldn't.
Speaker 1:I just laid there and this is what's been on my mind is, I feel, like old memories of different things pulling at me, and I know there's a reason for it the full moon and everything you're supposed to release and let go, and it's been weighing on me a lot of different things and let alone the lack of sleep. It's just torturous and if anything, if you want to know something about me, as in my past, adventurous, and if anything if you want to know something about me is in my past, anytime I ever had a surgery, I would go into these phases, these dark moments of depression, because I could only sit for so long without then feeling stuck within my own emotions or in my own head. Really, it's not even emotions. Emotions come after the being stuck in your own head and and that's where I'm at is I'm stuck in my own head and I'm fighting the process of healing. Why would I do such a thing? I don't know, and it's something I'm working through and trying to figure that out. And you're so exhausted and when you're trying to do all this inner work and you're trying to overcompensate, and then you're trying to trust and let go and release and flow, it all becomes so intertwined and intertangled that it inundates you, it overwhelms you. And this is where I'm at, so nonchalantly.
Speaker 1:I was texting my friend and basically telling her I was trying to do this podcast and I need to get it done, but I have nothing on my brain except for I do. I mean, I have stuff weighing on me and she said just go with it. She said that's the whole point of the podcast. I go what? With no thought process. She goes that's life, that's real talk about that. So here I am talking about the fact that my little COVID brain is spiraling over here and I am doing the work and I'm stuck sitting within that and then it's causing emotions to surface, which is all a part of the process. And it's funny how universe works its magic when you're not doing the work. At times, universe is going to put things in your way to make you sit and feel the things you need to feel. And here I am.
Speaker 1:It's 9.14 pm and I'm feeling a whole lot of things, and a lot of it is loss and grief. It's a weird feeling, because have you ever read someone that's still alive, someone you miss and you love so dearly, but they're no longer in your life? And that's kind of what's been weighing on me all day, actually, just the past week alone, since I've been home, it's just I could be doing, I could be making cereal, something so simple and pointless, nothing that you have to think too much about. And then all these memories pop up, these thoughts, and you reminisce about your heart. It just, it fills with love, but the reality also fills with sadness. It's the piece of you that's missing. You know and I know it's coming to the surface of truly letting go and tired.
Speaker 1:It is really hard sometimes when you have to face those moments that you weren't expecting to keep appearing out of the blue. So here I am enjoying this Monday night, tired, but not tired because I just slept like a six hour nap during the day, which I knew would bite me in the butt, and I'm just sitting here in my thoughts in my head, sharing it with you. I also just realized that I'm sporting the smelly cat sexy voice I forgot. I should have known, though, that because of my sore throat it's a whole different vibe. But also you forget when you're home alone and you've been sick all week and you're not really talking because you have a sore throat.
Speaker 1:So the extent of your conversations are texting or through social media, and my first experience of noticing my throat or my voice changing was my mom's birthday was Friday. I had explained to her that I wasn't feeling good. I didn't know I had COVID yet, but I just told her I wasn't feeling good, could be, you know, postponed her birthday. She wanted to go see Twister which was phenomenal, not gonna lie, but they were adamant they were going. So I got ready and I forced myself to go, picked up carrot cake from the cheesecake factory for her which I'll never do again because that was crazy, but it was still well worth it and got over to their house, said hello and I got to pick up my cat, which was part of the reason why I wanted to go too was because I haven't seen my cat three weeks and I'm saying hello to everyone and obviously my voice is not the greatest, but that was the first experience I had of, oh my God, my voice.
Speaker 1:My throat really does hurt and it wasn't until the next day that I went to the doctor because I woke up with my throat really, really hurt, hurt to swallow. So I'm pretty adamant, I'm not going to sit around and you know, waste time If I'm sick. I'm sick Like let's just nip this in the butt right away, let's not prolong it. So I'm glad I did, because she basically said there's nothing you can do for COVID. I was like ugh. It's funny, the irony of how back then it was such sheer panic and then now it's there's not much you can do except for home remedies Okay, which is fine Gargle, salt water, all the good stuff. I just really was surprised I didn't have strep. So I'm just kind of curious as to how that worked, or if the test wasn't even done accurately, because I could not, for the life of me, swallow. I mean, it was painful, I didn't want to eat anything, soup was the extent of it, and I've never had my. I've had, you know, a burning throat, whatever, but not to the point where I can't swallow it, like it was really making me cringe.
Speaker 1:So, anyways, let's fast forward to now, and I'm hearing myself talk. I was doing some editing because my brain was not working. I recorded so much and then my brain kind of just stopped and I was like you know what, okay, let me get up, let me get moving, let me use the bathroom, da, da, da, you know, and let's just edit while we're sitting here being thoughtless. And so I did. And then I heard my voice and I was like, oh dear God, I go loving it though, loving that sexy, raspy voice that's sporting here. Hopefully you all can stand it, but you make the most of it.
Speaker 1:Right, the show must go on, and I am grateful that my best friend, kind of you know, slapped the reality into me of just be real, just be vulnerable, just be you, which I always tend to do. But sometimes, even in my worst moments, such as this and this is not even a worst moment, but it is a setback it is me and my feelings, and it's still there. It's still a reality that I know what I don't like and I don't like to have to sit still for too long. I don't mind healing, I don't mind that process, I get it. I don't mind pouring back into myself. But it had been over a week and you know, and coming from such a high of three weeks of vacation which was at my own pace too, mind you I really enjoyed myself. I was not in my head, I was not in my feelings, I was literally living in the moment.
Speaker 1:So, coming home to this and then reality and universe saying, hey, guess what? You may not have avoided it, but here's the reality, here's what you need to release and let go of, let these feelings go, you know, and purge. And yet you don't have the capacity, the mindset of when you're healed and what I mean by that is when I'm not feeling sick. I have more energy to do that work, or maybe avoid it. Maybe that's what the whole point was is why I'm sick is because I was avoiding some of the work. I don't know.
Speaker 1:You know, and that's for me to kind of dive deep into my own psyche and figure that out, my wounds, and ask myself is there, you know? Did the universe say like let's slow you down a bit, let's give you the moment to now just feel this because this is your opportunity to close a chapter, to no longer begin a new cycle, but a fresh, brand new cycle, a cycle of love, a cycle of movement, a cycle of forward movement, a positive movement of new beginnings. You know, and I welcome that, I welcome that with open arms, with a very big heart and coming from a very huge heart space that I used to not have at one point or another, from a very wounded space, if that makes sense. So I'm turning this into a positive and I can already feel the shift within me, because in the beginning of this podcast, as I was expressing my feelings, like my voice was cracking and I could feel my tears flowing and I could feel the vulnerability flowing and I could feel the vulnerability releasing from me. And that's the whole point, you know is be real, be your most authentic self and even if it's a struggle to feel those feelings, feel it, because the more you deny it, the more you shove it down deep, it's going to resurface.
Speaker 1:And that's the things I don't want to do anymore. I want to put a stop to those traumas. I want to put a stop to those wounds because they're not necessary and they're no longer needed. So why hold on to them? And when I say that, I'm talking about my own doing, my own accountability, my own wounds that I brought to the table, that I was coming from. I can see all that now, whereas back then, in those moments, I could feel it, but I could not express it because that's the ego. The ego doesn't want to express how insecure you are. The ego doesn't want to share the fears that you're feeling or the misguided trust that you feel because of the wounds that were projected onto you by other wounded people.
Speaker 1:You know and that's when you understand it now is everyone has their wounds and everyone has their story and everyone has their journey. And then you add free will to the situation. It's not everyone wants to do the work and you have to ask yourself whether or not you can keep indulging in those relationships with people that want you to do the work. They don't want to do the work, to meet you halfway and it's hard. It's such a crazy, beautiful way to look at life and when you start to begin to understand the process and the psyche behind it, all of everyone and their journey, it's amazing and it's beautiful and you get it and there's no more judgment to go along with it. You understand why people stay and why people leave. You understand the purpose. You may not understand it in those moments, but as you progressively pour into yourself and heal those wounds, those moments and the processing becomes quicker and the pieces come together entirely. And that is when everything paints a greater picture of your story, of their story, of everyone's story, everyone's involvement, your soul's purpose. So let me give you an example and break this down for you.
Speaker 1:Had I not been vulnerable and just projected to my friend what I was going through, how I was stuck simple feelings, nothing crazy Well, she didn't realize the depths of what I was feeling. I was sitting within those feelings, feeling trapped, had I not chosen to project something so simple of needing to get this podcast rolling by, having no thought process to go with it, then I would never have received the divine message she gave me and unbeknownst to her she probably has no clue that it was such a divine intervention of her projecting her opinion, which was a divine message that I needed to hear, because by hearing that, I chose to simply just listen and simply just be honest, invulnerable, something so basic, something literally so simple of sharing what I'm feeling right here in the moment and how blah I'm feeling and how that's impacting my progress moving forward, but how universe is telling me sit still, be still, because in those moments of stillness, because in those moments of stillness I am able to utilize my voice and receive divine messages back. And she was one of those messages. And here I am finishing up an amazing episode of my podcast and I feel better. I feel like my emotions, my mindset, everything my soul, my perspective has all shifted and I could feel that shift as I was experiencing it while recording this episode. It is such a unique and beautiful feeling to feel such a shift, because you don't see it coming, you don't really know what it is, yet you do, as you're explaining For me.
Speaker 1:I was lucky enough to be speaking, to be communicating, to utilizing such a gift that sometimes we forget we have the power of words, journaling, the power of words written down on paper, the power of words being expressed out loud. It's that simple. We utilize our feelings, our emotions and put them from pen to paper or vocals. Singers, songwriters, writers, communicators, podcasters, you name it. We have the tools within us and sometimes we forget to utilize those tools to allow us to release, to allow us to shift, to heal and to move forward.
Speaker 1:So you see, my gift of expression is also my therapy of how I do the things I do in order to heal the wounds I've held onto for so long or buried deep within me and avoided for so long, or buried deep within me and avoided, ran from. And now I utilize the expression of my inner knowings, of my sitting still, of the way universe utilizes me in moments like this, where I'm sick and I'm vulnerable, and this could be a moment of destruction per se, but it doesn't have to be. I don't have to go to that dark space of depression because I can't, I don't desire to sit still too long, but it's the sitting still. I'm not taking advantage of those moments and I need to do more of that which is pouring into my creativity, which is pouring into my journaling and my writing. There are tools at our disposal every single day. It's up to us on whether or not we choose to see them and utilize them for our benefit.
Speaker 1:And again, that's when I was speaking about free will. We all have free will and we all can hide behind our excuses, but there comes a point in our life where enough is enough and we reevaluate our own lives. Every single day we go through self-reflection. Are we the person we desire to be? Do I project the image I want to be? Am I in love with that image I am projecting or do I just need others to validate that love for me, rather than me doing the work of loving my own self? Because you have to remember that I may project something and you'll either see my worth, value. My worth or my light might just be too bright for you and I might trigger you and vice versa. And that's usually how you know when you're around people and you find that they're triggered constantly and if you're one of those people that's always pouring into yourself and doing the work and bettering yourself, not saying that you're perfect, because I am not here striving to be perfect.
Speaker 1:I make mistakes, I have flaws, I'm a work in progress and I love that. I'm always going to be a work in progress. But I own that. I own it and I acknowledge it. But I don't utilize that as a reason behind the things I do, especially if it, let's just say, hurts someone. I'm not intentionally trying to hurt others. My past self may have, but this version of me, the version I'm not intentionally trying to hurt others. My past self may have, but this version of me, the version I'm loving, would never intentionally hurt somebody. Therefore, I have to be very aware of who I am and what I'm saying or what I'm not saying. And then I also have to reflect upon whether or not what people say about me is theirs, coming from their wounds, or it's their ego, their judgment. And that's going to happen, because sometimes people don't want to see you succeed.
Speaker 1:Sometimes people would rather make me the villain in their story because it's easier than taking accountability and I can't do anything about that. I don't desire to do anything about that. I don't need to clear my name because I already know who I am. I already take accountability for the actions I have in my past or lack thereof. I own it. I forgive myself for the choices I've made. I forgive others and I don't have to go up to someone and say I forgive you. I just do that within my own soul and I let it go, and that's growth right there, that's self-reflection, and I don't need anyone's validations to understand and see how far I've come.
Speaker 1:The only thing I do desire from the world is if you want to be a part of my world, then respect and love and know my worth. You don't need to validate it for me, but you need to respect it. So you see, for an episode that I was really stuck on, had no idea what to do or say, was in my own, trapped in my own feelings, releasing, stuck, stagnant in a way, and all it took was one person sending me a message and then me utilizing this opportunity to shift everything about my entire day, about this entire week of being sick. And here I am finishing up an amazing episode with all of you. So thank you again for joining me on another amazing episode of Infinite Love. Until next week, go within, reflect and ask yourself are you where you want to be? Are you where you desire to be? Take care.